WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
I believe the essence of life is to have a dream or a goal. Actively pursuing something of importance is the very thing that will make you feel alive, young, stimulated and happy. A person without a dream or a goal is OLD, whether you are 20 or 100 years old. I’m not talking about goals to sell more houses or achieve a higher position in the company you work for. These aspirations are wonderful and certainly have a place in our lives but I’m talking about “heart dreams.” That something that feels right when you are doing it; something you would do simply for the love of it if you could.
Maybe it’s working with animals, writing and publishing a children’s book or the poems you love to write. Maybe it’s building a shelter, changing a law, teaching horseback riding to children, creating the perfect secret garden in your back yard, or turning your love of gardening into a full or part time job. Maybe it’s taking a loved one or yourself to the homeland of your parents or to live on the water on a boat.
We have become so accustomed to society telling us what to expect and want. We have been cautioned to plan, be realistic and careful and somewhere along the way we may have lost a viable dream. When I ask friends what their dreams are for the most part their answers are surprisingly vague. Instead of hearing passion I hear resignation and what they believe to be realistic and achievable. When I ask what it is they love, the conversation is entirely different. That is when I see and hear passion. The more they talk of what they love the more animated and enthusiastic they become.
When I ask what happened to these dreams and why they haven’t acted on them there is always a “but”. I love animals but you can’t make money working with animals unless you are a vet. I love the water but… I love to travel but… I love to cook but… When you allow yourself to dream and leave the “but” out of it amazing possibilities will surface.
“To reach a port, we must sail – sail, not tie at anchor – sail, not drift.”
– FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Here are some tips on untying the anchor:
1. The first and most important part, know what you want. I think it helps to brainstorm with a supportive friend. Whether you brainstorm with someone or alone, remember, your dreams don’t have to be realistic. Brainstorming is about letting your ideas and passions flow.
2. Once you have uncovered your dream or passion, begin to research it. Look for articles, schools and books on the subject. Make contact with someone who is doing what you love. Volunteer in your spare time. When you immerse yourself in what you love, doors will open and people to help you will appear.
3. Remember, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You may find variations of your dream that are satisfying and you might find yourself moving in more than one direction. Stay open.
4. It’s the journey that is the most satisfying. Have you noticed the people you know who are the happiest and most positive are the ones who love what they do? Keep your momentum going and track your goals and progress; your plan and dream will evolve.
Here are some inspiring examples of people I have known or read about that dared to find their passion;
· I knew a woman who took tango lessons. She found she loved it and it became a passion. She became really good at it and found a dance partner, built a tango pavilion in her back yard and amassed a group of tango dancing friends in Europe and all across the country. When I spoke to her thereafter she was enviably alive, young, interesting and interested.
· I read the story about Nola Ochs on MSNBC who graduated from college with her granddaughter at the tender age of 95.
· Or perhaps you remember watching the 2008 Heroes awards program. I was inspired when I watched it and found reading their stories online again even more motivating.
Time is our most precious commodity. Find your passion.
“Don’t do nothing because you can’t do everything. Do something. Anything.”
Colleen Patrick-Goudreau
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How to Transform a Bad Day into a Better Day!
Last week I ran into several friends who were going through challenging times and feeling blue. We all have our days and those certain times in our lives that can feel like a struggle. We may not be able to quickly change the circumstance but we can most certainly change how we react to it. Sitting around thinking about how awful everything is will only make you feel worse. The quicker you change your frame of mind, the quicker your life will change direction.
It's a beautiful day!
Break the pattern. Have you ever noticed when you’re depressed your life shrinks down to a series of mundane tasks? Most people I know stop doing anything but what is absolutely necessary to get through the day which only creates more time to think about what is depressing them. Here are 6 ideas to break the pattern and start feeling better fast:
1. Change your normal pattern first thing in the morning. If you normally listen to TV in the morning, turn on your favorite uplifting music. If you normally listen to music try something with a different beat or style.
2. Exercise first thing in the morning even if you only have five or ten minutes; walk, stretch, dance or dust off one of your forgotten exercise videos.
3. Dream. While you have your coffee or morning drink take a sheet of paper and write down what your ideal life would look like. Then make a list of things you can do to move toward that goal. If it’s a new career, plan to research a school or course around it. If it’s a new location, get on the internet and research the Chamber of Commerce in the area and discover more about it. Make a plan to find out more about whatever it is you dream of doing. Each day make plan to do more toward achieving your goal or dream. Keep a notebook on your research and progress.
4. What are you reading? Plan a trip to the book store and find something to read that inspires and absorbs you. What you put in your mind is what comes out in your life.
5. Laugh. Remember a funny incident that always makes you laugh and write it down. Scan through your emails and find some of those funny videos your friends have sent you. Make a funny video of your pet and keep it handy. I taped my dog’s “we’re going on a walk” dance. It never ceases to amaze me how she can be that excited over the same thing every single day. It is the physical definition of glee and the dance and vocals span my entire house.
6. Pull out a video or photos of your favorite memory, Christmas, a reunion or whatever makes you feel good. Take your photos with you and look at them throughout your day. When you are remembering something happy and pleasant, it’s impossible to be sad at the same time.
Misery loves company. Surround yourself with positive people and vow not to talk about your issue while you’re with them. Positive energy is contagious. Catch some now and don’t wash your hands after you touch it!
To get you started, here are some of my favorite inspiring quotes, enjoy:
“Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but how we react to what happens; not by what life brings us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes. It is a catalyst a spark that creates extraordinary results.”
– UNKNOWN
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
- CHINESE SAYING
“The beginning is always today.”
– MARY WOLLSTONECROFT
“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”
– HENRY DAVID THOREAU
“The best way you can cheer yourself up is to cheer someone else up”
- MARK TWAIN
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover”
– MARK TWAIN
“Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin!”
- ANONYMOUS
The best thing about being a woman, is the prerogative to have a little fun!”
– SHANIA TWAIN
“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.”
– MAE WEST
“Learn how to be happy with what you have while you pursue all that you want.”
– JIM ROHN
“A good laugh is sunshine in a house.”
– WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY
“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”
– GOETHE
“I am not afraid of storms, I am learning to sail my own ship.”
– LOUISE MAY ALCOTT
v Do you have any favorite inspirational quotes? Share them with us; you can never have too much inspiration! If you enjoyed this article don’t forget to bookmark it on del.icio.us. Your support is appreciated!
YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!
As a woman of a certain age:
Do you feel invisible? Do you feel a lack of realistic and inspiring examples of “someone just like you?” Do you feel this affects your self esteem and how you feel about yourself?
I do. This was part of the inspiration for Women in Transition Online. I grew tired and frustrated opening magazine after magazine to find articles and stories of beautiful women transitioning from powerful positions, marriages and careers and looking at pictures of models in wrinkle cream advertisements that were likely the age of my daughter. The stories were interesting but never seeing an article, story or news clip about anyone who even remotely resembled me left me feeling even more invisible and anything but inspired. Where were the real women?
What has come to inspire me is the realization of just how many strong, growing, fabulous, creative women of a certain age there are in this world. We are “the woman next door”; we’ve held jobs that have provided for ourselves and families and we have survived innumerable circumstances. We have sent children to college. We have watched them leave and return, often times bringing beautiful grandchildren with them. Some of us are retired, some of us still work and some of us are fulfilling our dreams; starting businesses, volunteering, making a difference for something we care deeply about or simply enjoying the rewards of the seeds we’ve sewn. We are diverse, we have done remarkable things, and we have inspiring uplifting stories to tell and priceless pearls of wisdom to share. We are a powerful unseen force and we are beautiful. (Whew!)
Wouldn’t it be a pleasure to see these women and hear their stories? I would like to honor the wisdom, sample the sage insights and share in the humor that only a woman of a certain age knows.
SHARE YOUR STORY
I am delighted to invite you to submit your photo and short bio for a new feature I’m introducing on Women in Transition Online. Each month we will see and read about a beautiful woman of a certain age in a special post: “YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL”. Think about including what you have accomplished, what’s important to you, what you are doing and what your dream or goal is. Tell us what you like: your favorite movie, book and the quote that inspires you. Have fun with this and share whatever you’re comfortable with but most importantly don’t forget to share your pearl of wisdom:
The one thing you have learned that motivates you through a difficult time.
1. Your story should be approximately 300-600 words in length. Please include your name, address and daytime telephone number and an email address where you would prefer to be contacted.
2. Your high resolution digital photo should be about 4 x 6 inches minimum with a resolution of 300 dots per inch (dpi). Email your photos as jpegs.
3. Your story and photo may be held for consideration but you will absolutely be notified before it is published.
4. By submitting your material you grant Women in Transition Online, LLC a non-exclusive royalty-free irrevocable right to use, distribute and display the material in whole or in part in any and all media. By submitting your material you declare that you are the sole owner and author of the material and own 100% of all copyrights pertaining to the material.
Email your material to Women in Transition Online, LLC at deborah@womenintransitiononline.com
It’s that simple! You’re beautiful and you deserve to be recognized. Send your submission today.
Warmest regards,
Deborah Hayes
More Lessons from The Big Black Hat…
Ok, so now I own a Big Black Hat. It actually looks pretty good on my wall, something I hadn’t anticipated when I purchased it. Aside from the decorating advantage, I also find looking at it reminds me to take some care and thought about what I wear regardless of where I’m going. Not that I’m going to get all dressed up to go to the grocery store but a cuter sandal, fun bracelet or more interesting casual earring are not so much trouble and I honestly do feel better for it. It seems to be a sister or cousin to the organized clean house thing and the simple but not so subtle effect on the self esteem.
But the black hat kind of got me thinking and remembering. It brought back memories of the little upscale boutique I opened in the arts district here in Scottsdale when I first moved here. I have always loved hats and used to collect them so one of the things I carried in the store, just for the fun of it, was hats. Not too many but the ones I offered were very flamboyant. I sold a few of them and scattered a few from my “private collection” for ambiance. One of the hats, an outrageous red feather hat, became quite a conversation piece and an interesting ice breaker for the women who came into my store.
The Red Hat
I had strategically placed this hat in a cozy out of the way corner next to a huge antique looking footed mirror. There were very few women who could resist trying it on. Oddly it became a constant source of entertainment for me as well as my customers. Some would be boisterous about it and prance around the store modeling and laughing, so much laughter. I was treated to jokes and hilarious fictitious scenarios about the hat. It usually created a hat trying frenzy and in the course of their visit all of my hats would be sampled.
Even more interesting was the effect it had on the shy quiet women who would come in clearly wanting to be left alone if not invisible. Generally she would be conservatively dressed, eyes never meeting mine and painfully quiet. Arms tense and hands tightly grasping her purse her body language screamed; don’t talk to me, don’t watch or look at me, leave me alone. The hat’s effect on this type of woman was truly fascinating. It was like watching a feral cat eye food in a trap who ultimately succumbs after a long cautious wait and thought process. (Please note: no cats were harmed in this example. All were neuter and returned to their territory.) This woman would slowly make her way through the store carefully touching the clothes here and there as if they might jump off the hanger at her. Then it would happen, she would see the hat. Her body would freeze as she gazed up at the hat and a private inner conversation would occur. After a minute or so, as if suddenly afraid someone might mistake her gaze for interest, she would catch herself and return to her previous demeanor while carefully looking around to see if anyone noticed. The saunter would resume with a number of visits back to the hat. At this point I would casually make a funny comment about the hat and assure her that it was not for sale, from my private collection and take it down for her to have a touch. From there a curtain would begin to open. I would tell her how everyone loved to try it on, just for the fun, and she would dutifully hold it in her hands eyeing it curiously.
It was at this point I would pretend the need to take care of something up front and leave her holding the hat, in front of the big antique looking mirror, all by herself. This is when the real magic would begin. I would secretly watch as her body would begin to communicate a myriad of things from somewhere deep within her. Tentative at first, then relaxing into the moment as she put it on and slowly, ever so slowly her body would change. The head would rise in a perfect snooty tilt, then a side view and then a touch. Then another slight adjustment and her face would tell a tale of who might be hidden inside. It would generally last for a couple of minutes and the curtain would fall. Her body would resume its closed stance and usually this type of person would say thank you as she hurried out the door as if caught in an unguarded forbidden moment. On occasion it created hesitant conversation but a more relaxed and comfortable demeanor that would allow for further, if not cautious exploration. Clearly my store was not the place for the conservative at heart but it was always fun to see this type of person take a moment to step out of her comfort zone into a world of other possibilities and parts of herself she had either forgotton or had yet to explore.
I had purchased the hat to sell but once I realized the power of this hat it quickly became a part of my private collection. As they say, price of the hat $200.00, the feelings it elicited, priceless. Although I no longer collect hats, as all previous serious hat collectors do, I saved a few I could not bear to part with. Somewhere in time they all wound up in the top of an unused closet waiting for that magical day when my granddaughter will reach the age for dress up. I’m definitely going to shine here and can’t wait for the pleasant hours we will spend together playing in this special place. Along with the hats are long beaded gowns, boas, shawls, gaudy jewelry and more!
Yet another lesson and a priceless memory from the Big Black Hat… Now I am planning to have a little hen party, as we used to call them in Texas. It’s been years since I have done this and I recall how much I and everyone used to enjoy it. This is a gathering where personas are left at the door and we, as nothing more than women, commune and celebrate that mystical undefinable thing that is loosly known as the feminine mystic that we all share. I plan to purchase a couple of hat racks and strategically place a few hats and mirrors around my rooms. I’m betting that somewhere in the day guards will be dropped and we will find ourselves sharing in a rejuvenating feminine ritual.
Yes it definitely might be time for a big girl hen party and perhaps it’s time to bring the hats out of storage. Now that I am a woman of a certain age, what I at one time viewed as an amusing oddity, somehow seems to have a much deeper meaning.
v Share your comments, thoughts or experiences on the subject in the comments section. If you enjoyed this article please don’t forget to book mark it on del.icio.us. Your support is appreciated!
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
THE BIG BLACK HAT…
Yesterday I went shopping with my daughter. Her husband’s boss will be in town and she needed something to wear when they go out to dinner. The call to shop came on short notice and for this kind of excursion it is imperative to have someone entertain the baby, a curious two year old, while she shops so I agreed to go. I had on a comfortable black wrinkle peasant skirt and a safe black t-shirt. I threw on some flip flops and we were off.
While Alexis was in the dressing room Mackenzie, who shares my love of hats, and I noticed a very attractive woman of a certain age trying on an enormous chic black sun hat. When she tossed it into her cart and left we sauntered over to the display to give them a try. I immediately grabbed one of the big black hats and tried it on for her to see. Kenzi was as intrigued as I was and pointed to the one in her current favorite color, pink. (Why did I not have my camera?) For a brief moment, as I held the hat and tried it on, I remembered when I too would have nonchalantly thrown this in my cart; just trying it on made me feel different, sexy and intriguing. This thought was immediately buffered by “where in the world would I wear this hat? In my back yard which is where I swim?” The moment of contemplation was broken as Alexis exited the dressing room. We spent a few more minutes looking and then headed for the check out.
The Big Black Hat
Interestingly enough the very chic woman of a certain age was in line in front of us. Behind us was another mother daughter team and the girl caught the stylish woman’s eye and said, “Aren’t you ____’s mother?” Yes she was and a very brief greeting occurred, a short discussion on the fabulous hat and the woman, whose demeanor suggested she was a little confused about the interest on the hat, continued on to the cash register. It was so clear she knew who she was, she knew her style and now it was just a matter of picking up things to maintain it. As she paid for her purchases I could barely hear the woman’s mother behind me ask in a hushed voice, “who is that?” Try as I might I couldn’t hear much more than rumblings but I too wondered who this stylish woman was.
I couldn’t resist the temptation as I discreetly peeked behind me to notice the woman who had asked the same question I had thought. She was not unattractive but like me, there was little or no thought above comfort given to her costume. Of course I did not continue to stare at the woman but I knew we were both scrutinizing this chic woman as she paid.
She had very blonde hair that was slicked back in a small pony tail. She wore rust colored linen walking shorts and a matching top. Her large chandelier earrings, (a set of three wooden circles; brown, rust and olive green) complimented and worked perfectly with her outfit. She had on plain cork wedge sandals. Her trendy woven blanket tote was the perfect final touch to the ensemble. She looked artsy in a classic sort of way and had that put together look that said she hadn’t tried, it just happened.
As we watched her pay I could feel us both shriveling and experiencing the same unspoken epiphany. Why didn’t I take just a moment to put on a trendy bracelet and earrings to compliment my outfit and perhaps something, anything more interesting than rubber flip flops on my feet? Our body languages spoke volumes. Looking at her made us both feel old, unimaginative, uninteresting and unimportant.
When I arrived home and set about my work I couldn’t quite shake the feeling. I wondered about my tendancy lately to pay less attention to how I looked. I noticed how I had unknowingly fallen into the “well I’m only going to the fill in the blank” syndrome so why bother. So I asked myself the question again, where would I wear that hat? I swim at home and no one would see me in it anyway. The answer slowly surfaced. I would see me. More importantly I would FEEL me. I would feel beautiful, special and stylish in it. Clearly, from the way I felt for those five minutes or so, taking the time and effort to feel I’m important enough look good for me is a big part of my self esteem. It really wasn’t about the stylish woman who may or may not look like that every time she shops but it was about me and how important it is for me to look good for me.
So this morning I went back to that store and bought the sexy black hat. As I wandered through the store with a fresh attitude and eye, I saw another woman and her girlfriend, both safely, unimaginatively and comfortably dressed, remark to her friend as she gingerly carried the hat with her, “are you sure I won’t look silly?” And then I remembered the stunning woman and how unaware, confident and comfortable she was with her look as she conscientiously went about acquiring the things she knew she wanted to maintain her “SELF” in a style she felt fabulous in. She had been unaware and uninterested in what anyone else thought.
Nourishing yourself on the inside and outside are surprisingly connected and an important part of our self esteem and who we are. It sounds too simple to be true but when you feel you look good you act differently. If you feel shabby and plain you will act that way and others will feel that way about you too. It’s a great way to become and feel invisible.
What an important lesson the big black hat taught me. If I didn’t think I would be arrested for loitering, I would love to spend an afternoon quietly watching and listening to all the women who visit the big black hat display in that store!
I am officially placing neglecting to create, maintain and respect your personal sense of style on the list of things that can make a woman feel, look and act old.
v What do you feel makes a woman feel, look and act old? Share your comments and ideas in the comments section and if you enjoyed this article don’t forget to book mark it on del.icio.us. Your support is appreciated!
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Procrastination, a Disease or a Habit?
Procrastination, A Disease or a Habit?
Whichever it is, it can have very negative effects on the quality of our lives. It is responsible for:
· Deterring our progress for any goal we are trying to achieve
· Creating stress in our lives
· Making you feel incompetent and guilty which are big red flags for self esteem
· Producing negative self talk, (which can cause some pretty nasty welts on your wrist if you’re using a rubber band to help retrain negative self talk, or wear out your pretty stretch bracelet prematurely. Yikes!)
Isn’t it curious how closely related low self esteem, negative self talk, and procrastination are?
This procrastination thing has a tendency to feed on itself and grow into quite a large monster if you’re not careful. When you avoid doing one task, there are usually a couple more related items you also put on the back burner because you need to complete task one first.
Every duty which is bidden to wait returns with seven fresh duties at its back. ~Charles Kingsley
Now you’re feeling overwhelmed, and it’s likely that you are, as you realize there isn’t enough time in each day to accomplish all that’s on your plate because you avoided that task you hate. No problem, I’ll just put in extra hours until it’s done and promise myself I won’t let this happen again. We won’t talk about the regular mundane tasks your letting go while you slay the monsters.
Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. ~William James
Now you’re mentally and physically exhausted which leads you to feel stressed, like a failure and you begin to question your decisions and ability. Instead of feeling better when the original task is completed you find you’re staring at three or four more monsters that have grown to adulthood and are on the attack.
There are a number of excellent resources full of strategies for getting through the process and getting things done and most work pretty well. Here are a few I have tried and found to be very helpful:
· Prioritize your goals.
· Set realistic goals.
· Break overwhelming tasks into a series of small steps.
· Make sure to do something on your big goals everyday. (even if it is small)
· Go ahead and start a task even though you don’t have time to finish it that day.
· Plan and write everything you want to accomplish each day and cross off items as you complete them.(Builds confidence)
· If there are items you don’t get to, place on the next day’s agenda.
· Have an idea, in writing, of what you would like to accomplish for the week.
· Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t complete everything you planned.
· Reward yourself in some way for your accomplishments.
· Don’t over commit yourself. (This will set you up for failure!)
· Get the clutter out of your space!
These are but a few of the multitude of options available on how to cope with procrastination. All of them are good and like child rearing, dog training, diet and exercise, whatever you decide to do, if you are tenacious and consistent, it works. But for me, this seems to have the effect of treating the symptom while not knowing what the disease is.
The best success I have had is trying to understand where my fear and reluctance for a task or goal comes from. Most of the things I procrastinate about are things I fear or believe I am not good at. Of course we can’t be good at everything and we don’t love everything we do. But if we are willing to undergo high levels of stress and the consequent difficulties of avoiding something we need or want to do, there has to be a reason or a belief that is at the root of this avoidance.
Here is a good personal example. When I was VERY young, like most of us, I held a number of positions while trying to find my wings. My father was an incredibly gifted salesperson and could, as they say, sell ice to Eskimos. My brother was also gifted in the field so it was only natural, especially since I was fired from my first secretarial position in a matter of two months that I would gravitate to the field as well. Long story short, I was hired to sell specialty advertising, taken to a specialty advertising convention and show, given a huge number of lines to sell, told I was a natural, gifted and sure to be their best salesperson. I was pumped. On the very first day I walked into a clothing store that my mother and I had often shopped in thinking it would be a safe first attempt. I didn’t get two steps into the front door with my catalogue when the sales person saw me and said in a loud voice for the whole store to hear, “Oh no, no. Get out, out, out.” She literally chased me out of the store. I cannot begin to tell you how devastated, embarrassed and humiliated I was. I ran to my father’s office in tears to tell him my story. He assured me that it was not the end of my career, I shouldn’t and couldn’t wear my feelings on my sleeve and that I would be fine. Although I found success in the field of sales, I made sure whatever I sold did not require cold calling!
The example above is obvious but sometimes there are more subtle things in our past that are at the root of our reluctance to tackle a goal or task. Perhaps it was a remark a boyfriend, relative, boss, teacher or family member once said. Maybe it was something you read or heard and it stuck with you. You repeated it to yourself over and over and created a pathway in your brain as we discussed in the article on self talk. If you find yourself repeatedly and consistently procrastinating on a goal or task it is very useful to spend some time and ask yourself:
1. Is there something about this task that I think I can’t do or might fail at?
2. Where is this thought, belief or feeling coming from?
3. What proof do I have that this is true?
4. Have I made a sincere effort to accomplish or improve my skills for the task?
5. Is this something I really need or want to do?
6. Is this something I simply don’t like, need or want to do and I can delegate to someone else?
Spending some time to discover what the disease really is can make the cure far more efficient and effective. Procrastination is a drain on our self esteem and the quality of our life. The next time you find yourself unable to promptly begin a project try asking yourself these questions and see if you discover a long excepted myth in your life that is holding you back!
v What do you do to avoid procrastination? Share your thoughts and comments and if you enjoyed this article don’t forget to book mark it on del.icio.us. Your support is appreciated!
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Outside resource:
· Book: Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway
· Book: Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain
Can Positive Self Talk Make A Difference?
I know, I know, it’s been talked about to death. It is a part every book on self esteem, motivation or happiness and we all know what it is. It’s about paying attention to what we say to ourselves and what we think. Whenever we are awake we are thinking. This thinking plays out as private subliminal messages and conversations that only we hear. Since we have been thinking since birth, it becomes automatic, like breathing, swallowing or moving about. It is something we do and no longer recognize how or when we do it. We talk to ourselves every waking moment and we no longer consciously hear what we are saying. It’s like living near a freeway. After a period of time you don’t hear the traffic unless you consciously listen for it.
When a subject is talked, written and spoken about so much it becomes something we skim. When we see something more on the subject we think we know what it is and if we read about it at all we think, oh yeah, that’s the self talk thing. Good idea and I’ll have to do that sometime but right now I have to conquer the world, plan the party or family gathering, get through this meeting or figure out how I’m going to replace what I lost out of my 401k for Pete’s sake and off we go.
There is a reason this subject is brought up every time self esteem is talked or written about.
If you are attempting to improve your self esteem and life it is imperative that you actively take notice of what you are saying to yourself and why.
Once you do, it is an excellent indicator of what you think about yourself and what you are attracting into your life. If you’re not in the habit of monitoring what you regularly say to yourself here are some examples that might be easy to recall.
What did you say to yourself the last time you were;
· Preparing your resume.
· On your way to an interview.
· Driving home from the interview.
· About to give a presentation at a meeting.
· Preparing for a blind date.
· Opening an invitation to a pool party.
· Attending a party where you only know the hosts.
It seems it is easiest to hear and recall our self talk when we are doing something we are uncomfortable with.
I think we all agree that in order to change anything you must first acknowledge that it exists. I also think that in order to create the enthusiasm needed to make a sincere effort to change we need to believe that it is possible. While I was exploring “self talk” I was surprised to learn the depth of scientific research on this subject and the impressive findings on the potential of the brain to literally change. (Even old brains!) I read and listened to a large amount of information on habits, self talk, the brain, and here is a synopsis of what I discovered that reinforced my belief in the power of self talk.
· The brain is like a computer.
· From the moment you take your first breath it absorbs all the information you get from your five senses and stores it.
· Like a computer, it doesn’t question or evaluate the information you put into your computer.
· Repeated messages create pathways in the brain; the more you repeat the message the bigger the pathway becomes.
· The largest pathways become the programs you use.
When you Think- it triggers a Thought - which triggers a Mood - which triggers an Action
· Those programs you have created through repeated messages are the instructions your brain sends you on how to respond.
· The best information I discovered is that new pathways and programs can be created at anytime through repetition.
Positive self talk is not just a trend, it is very powerful. What you say to yourself over and over becomes what your brain believes you to be. What you believe yourself to be is who you are.
Still not convinced? Whether you believe it or not, let’s say you have been ordered to spend 30 days locked up in a house and you can bring one of two friends with you. One of your friends is sarcastic, always points out the negative side of any situation you bring up and is quick to point out ways you can improve. (For your own good, of course.) Your other friend consistently sees the positive side of your situation, expresses confidence in your decisions, abilities and always comments on how good you are. Which friend would you choose to spend your days of confinement with?
Now isn’t it exciting to know you have the ability to make dramatic changes in your life? It costs you nothing, you don’t need anyone’s help and you can start immediately! Commit right now to actively listen for those negative thoughts or statements about yourself. The moment you hear them stop and replace them with positive statements. You can use the tried and true method of popping a rubber band on your wrist when you make a negative statement about yourself but, I am a woman, I prefer a stretch bead bracelet, special necklace or anything pretty to touch for reinforcing the habit change in my mind.
While you’re at it reinforce your positive self talk each morning before you start off for your day. Stand in front of a mirror and find as many nice things to say about yourself as you can. Say them out loud. Set a number you are comfortable with and don’t leave the mirror until you have accomplished it. Start with 5 and work your way up to 10.
Make a tape of your positive statements and play them in the car or whenever you catch yourself thinking negatively about yourself.
Write your positive statements on sticky notes and stick them in places where you will find them throughout the day. Put one on the visor of your car, in your makeup bag, on the inside of a kitchen cabinet or any place that you frequent.
Get creative and come up with as many ways as you can to reinforce your positive self talk. Before you know it you won’t need the rubber band or bracelet, you will believe what you say and you will become what you believe.
v Do you believe that positive self talk can make a difference in your life? Please feel free to share your suggestions and ideas in the comments or email me at deborah@womenintransitiononline.com. I look forward to hearing from you.
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Outside resources:
§ Book: Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain
§ Book: Mind-Power, The Secret Of Mental Magic
§ Book: A New Beginning II
Digging for Personal Treasures
When was the last time you took great pains to plan and do something by yourself? I am not talking about getting your nails done or a massage. Good things for sure, but do you, on a regular basis plan something special to do with yourself; as if you were you were going out with your girlfriend or your mate but you are the girlfriend or the mate? When was the last time you stopped to really remember parts of you from long ago? Sound strange? In order to know and love yourself you need to nurture this relationship and I hope by now you are beginning to realize that your relationship with yourself should be above all others. Without you, there are no other relationships.
In the beginning I can tell you this was really hard for me to wrap my brain around. It was hard enough for me to make and keep a date out with the girls. I considered that “self time”. After all, as a single person, I was alone all the time unless I was out with friends, family or at work. And yes, I follow the “don’t turn on the TV” rule unless there is something specific I want to watch or hear. Yes, that allows me to be more present and hear myself think. So what was this take time out to do something special with me thing I kept reading about? I can tell you that once I forced myself to do it I began to understand and really enjoy it. The result; I began to acknowledge that I was important, special, worth knowing and understanding and it made a big difference in how I felt about myself. In fact I found that I am more interesting than I thought or remembered! I began to feel more creative, self confident, relaxed and comfortable with myself. Eventually I noticed I was nicer and more considerate to myself when I wasn’t on my date! I also found myself enthusiastic about discovering and trying new things. Knowing that this might be a new concept the following are some ideas to get your mind going. We are all different, so find things you enjoy. It will grow and I think you will find yourself looking forward to your outings!
Ground Rules:
· Turn off all distractions, phones, TV, computers. I promise you the world will not come to an end if you are MIA for a few hours. The purpose is to be alone with yourself, to remember, experience and get to know you.
· Don’t do something that is a “kill two birds with one stone” thing. Make sure it is either something you really enjoy or something or someplace that is new to you and you really want to try.
Ideas:
· Pack some fruit and bottled water and go to a pretty park and read a book.
· Go to the mall and purchase a book. Then get coffee and pretend to read but people watch instead!
· Go to a Jazz bar and drink a glass of wine and listen to some music.
· Rediscover the Zoo or botanical garden in your area. Take your camera and make a photo journal of the day! The dollar stores have wonderful inexpensive little albums that are great for this.
· Take a day to wander around a flea market or the farmers market.
· Take a class about something new you’ve never done before and want to try. (My most recent was an African drum class. Loved it, and plan to continue)
· If you like to cook buy a new cook book or find a recipe in a magazine that looks interesting and plan a night to cook a nice dinner for yourself with candles and wine and then curl up with a good book or watch your favorite feel good movie.
· Buy a hammock on a frame and put it on your patio with a pretty throw and pillow. Spend some special time alone in it to read, daydream or write in your journal while sipping herbal water or tea.
· Whenever you are out on your adventures purchase little nonsense things you know you love and put them in a special drawer or box. Spray your favorite fragrance inside it or add some scented candles. Collect special soap, your favorite chocolate, a new book, music, perhaps some profoundly frivolous slippers, ( think fluffy feathers), a pretty new nightgown, scented eye mask, a special tea cup or wine glass you that doesn’t match anything you have and tea or a special bottle of wine to go with! Then on your special day, when the time is just right dig in your drawer or box and craft a perfect day or evening. Mmmmmm.
· Buy a special frame and place a photo from one of your outings that made you happy or inspired on your desk. Change the photo weekly. A perfect way to remind yourself of how special you are.
· Take a day or evening to dig out those boxes of photos that are stashed away in the closet or garage and go through them. Pick several pictures of you that bring back memories of a time when you felt really good about yourself or what you accomplished. Make a photo journal and write about what and how you felt at that time in your life. Frame a few and put them where you can see them for inspiration to recapture those feelings and characteristics you want with you today. When I did this I suddenly realized that I had photos of family and friends scattered about my house but not a single picture of only me doing anything. This one was fun, here’s how mine turned out:
· Here is another treat. I don’t know if any of you have saved mementos but I discovered a whole box of memories while scavenging for photos. There were cards, letters and poems written to me from long ago relationships, and occasions. Wow. I discovered very interesting buried treasures here. Some made me remember parts of me I want to magnify again and some made me proud that I am no longer that person. Powerful stuff! Dig around; go find them, this is really worth the effort.
There is opportunity for real growth as you spend time with yourself and recapture your most important relationship, YOU. It is so easy to become numb and regimented about our lives as the years tick by. There are forgotten treasures within you to be remembered and explored. Find them and discover how unique and special you are.
§ Happy hunting! Feel free to share your comments or suggestions below or email me at deborah@womenintransitiononline.com.
Enjoy yourself, you deserve it.
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Outside resource:
§ Book: Simple Abundance
Will The Real YOU Please Stand Up?
If I asked who you are how would you answer?
Would you say; I am a stay at home mother, I am a real estate agent, I am a banker, I am a doctor, I am a massage therapist, wife, retired or “whatever”? Is that who you really are or is it the role you are currently playing. How many roles have you played in your life and how many more do you think you might play?
Have you noticed that this is the customary question at gatherings? I am guilty of it myself. We have become accustomed to asking or identifying what we do when we meet someone new. We may think of it as a means of finding common interest to talk about but in reality it’s a label, it’s the tag line attached to our name. Once we have heard the label doesn’t it predetermined how we feel about this person to some degree? Don’t we automatically have some pre conceptions about the person based on their label such as; educated, white collar, blue collar, interesting, dull, successful or average before we even get to know the person? And if we have these pre conceptions about others based on their “label” do we feel the same way about our own labels? Does this constant statement repeated over and over again make us act and feel differently than who we really are?
The truth is society has trained us to focus on the surface of our lives and to place our value and identity on what we do, how we look and what we have. All of these things can and will change and although they are parts of our lives they are not WHO WE ARE. If we base our identity on these things alone, when they change or disappear we are lost, frightened and empty. We have all heard the extreme but familiar stories that exemplify this. Suicides over financial losses, depressions and self destructive behavior when important relationships end are just a few of the results of looking outside you for love and approval. Truly knowing, understanding and loving yourself for who you are on the inside is the key to attracting positive circumstances, relationships and inner peace to your life and it will anchor you through rough waters when they occur. To truly know yourself you need to spend quality undistracted time with yourself.
In reality I think we all know that we are not spending time on ourselves and that we try to accomplish more than is possible and leave ourselves for later. The logical solution would be to take a look at our schedules and lives and discover where we need to adjust our expenditures of effort and time, to eliminate the unnecessary obligations we take on, learn to say “NO” and presto we create a more balanced life for ourselves! It sounds simple. The problem is, although helpful and enlightening, this tactic doesn’t address the WHY of how we got our priorities so out of balance.
Guilt. Why do we feel guilty when we attempt to make time for us?
Is it possible you are over-identifying with your role? This subject is very near and dear to my heart. When I left the real estate business after 15 years I found myself in quite an unexpected quandary. I had thought I was excited to leave the business and was looking forward to trying something new but instead I found I was filled with uncomfortable feelings that I just couldn’t identify or understand. While reading one of my favorite books, The Toa of Inner Peace, I took an assessment and a very bright light bulb went off. Here is what I’m willing to confess to about the results I found about myself:
1. MY JOB
As an on-sight real estate sales person I always chose to work without a partner. This required me to usually work 6 days a week and to be on call on the 7th day. As if that was not enough, I felt it important to make it clear I would be available for before and after office hour appointments. If I had an outstanding week I was ecstatic and when I hit a slump I was devastated. On the rare occasion when I was forced to take time off I checked in with my assistant twice a day and made it clear I was on call if necessary. Oh, and the best identifier, when I did take time off I absolutely had no clue what to do with myself. Leave town? That was out of the question.
2. MY FAMILY
Well you can imagine the guilt I felt for not having enough time for my family! Any spare time I had was allotted to my daughter and mom. I mean there was always that 7th day and usually I did not have to work after hours. If I was asked to go out to dinner or a function with friends I always made sure there was nothing on the “family agenda”.
3. PARTNER
Partners, what’s that? You mean like mate, husband or date? I would make time for that after the first phase was sold out, my daughter’s wedding, the birth of my BEAUTIFUL granddaughter, etc. you get the idea, absolutely no time for that.
4. MY BODY
Perhaps this little short story will suffice:
Twenty years ago I had a family portrait done of my daughter, my mom, myself, my now deceased beloved little yorkie, Miss Corey and my handsome cat, Siggy. Needed or not, a serious amount of air brushing occurred and we all looked great! I took that picture down years ago and my mom snatched it for her house. She thought it was such a pretty picture of us all and she couldn’t understand why I wanted to take it down. Recently my mom had some surgery and during one of the nurse’s visits to her house she saw the portrait and asked, “Who are those people in that photograph? One of them looks like Barbara Mandrel.” Hey, that would be me and, yes, I was standing right there.
When she left I turned to my mom and said, “And that’s why I choose not to hang that picture in my house.”
These statements are all examples of someone who is over-identifying with the roles in their life. How many can you identify with? These parts of our lives are to be experienced, cherished and enjoyed but you are so much more than your job, family, partner or the body you walk around in.
We have the benefit of knowing now what we didn’t know then. By now and certainly in these times we know that:
1. Companies we’ve given so much of ourselves to can go bankrupt. When financial times change companies will downsize without second thought to your personal well being.
2. Children grow up and often times move away to live their lives and your role will naturally decrease.
3. Relationships change, people divorce and deaths occur and if you do not maintain a strong sense of self these changes can leave you feeling devastated, lost and alone.
4. Struggling to hang on to your youth is a depressing and unrealistic endeavor. A strong sense of self will allow you to move through life’s natural cycles with style and grace and true beauty.
When we attach our identity to these labels aren’t we in reality comparing our status in life to someone else’s as a measure of whether or not we are enough?
Ohm, do you think my ears are too big?
STOP COMPARING, STOP COMPARING, AND STOP COMPARING. There is a unique and beautiful individual inside you. Take the time to find her. She knows you and loves you just the way you are and for who you are. She doesn’t care what anyone else is doing or thinks and she is always with you. She will never make you feel guilty or inadequate. She is always waiting and regardless of how long it’s been she is glad to see you. Her love and support are unconditional. Don’t ignore her… embrace her, SPEND TIME WITH HER and find out who she really is.
Here is the typical response to this, (I said it too!); I’ll try but I just don’t have time to spend on myself right now, as soon as I (you fill in the blank), then I will spend more time on me. Translation: No, I am not going to do it, I’ll read about it but I don’t have time right now and I’m not going to do it.
Is that really true or are you avoiding digging out the real you and realizing just how special and wonderful she is? Does that thought frighten you to some degree and do you feel safer in the status quo? If you are ready to stop going through the motions of life and craft the life you truly love you are going to have to make the effort, be willing to break out of the mold and do things differently.
With that said, here are two out of the box fun exercises to help you discover and reconnect with the real you.
Exercise One:
The next time you are out or at a gathering and you meet someone new when the inevitable question of what you do comes up try answering with; most recently I am exploring or involved with cooking, the art of tango dancing, photography, animal rescue or whatever is your passion or interest. Try your best to not mention your “label”. This label thing is so ingrained in us this might be harder than you think!
Exercise Two:
Borrow, buy or go to a thrift store and acquire an outfit you love but a style you wouldn’t normally wear. Make it something you like and feel good in. If you normally wear pants find a dress you feel good in. If your style is always tailored, try to find something utterly feminine. Be brave and honest about this and genuinely experiment with your selection. Now take your new persona out in public.
After each of these exercises take out your journal or a notebook and answer these questions:
1) Did you feel that people responded to you differently and if so how?
2) Did you feel you acted differently than you normally would and if so how?
3) What did you like or dislike about yourself during these exercises?
4) Last but not least, what did you learn about yourself and the people you encountered during these exercises?
Sound silly? Here are the abbreviated results of a longer experiment:
My first husband was a “real cowboy”. He was part of a family cattle trucking and stock producing business and the rodeo was a way of life for them. I was immersed in the lifestyle and loved it. When we divorced, (it was friendly), I married a man who was the exact opposite and so was the lifestyle. When that marriage ended and I returned to Texas with our young daughter I bought a couple of horses. My daughter and I spent wonderful days riding and participating in rodeos together. During that time in my life I owned two cars, a Porsche and a Jeep Grand Wagoneer to haul my horse trailer. I distinctly remember how differently I was viewed and treated when driving the different vehicles. Back then I thought it was funny. When I moved us to Scottsdale, Arizona I opened an upscale women’s clothing boutique. When I would speak of my cowgirl days with those I was close with they would always say in puzzlement “I just can’t picture you as a cowgirl”. As the years went by, neither could I!
So try the exercises and perhaps it will jog some memories of your own. You are not just a cow girl, boutique owner, realtor or whatever you’ve been in your life, you are so much more.
v Do you think you’re over identifying with your label? Share your thoughts, stories and
comments with us!
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Outside resources:
§ Book: The Tao of Inner Peace
About Your Emotional Bank Account
What did you do for yourself this past week?
Most of us live under constant tension and don’t even notice it. We have done it so long it has become normal to us. We don’t realize how we spend our time and are usually shocked to see how little time we allow for ourselves. The message in society is work harder, more hours and we will be successful. Good successful women do it all. We are the last thing we take care of. Most of you will say that you take two days off every week, but by the time you catch up on neglected chores on one of those days and squeeze one fun activity in for the other day it is time to jump right back onto the treadmill. Funny thing is, the more we overextend and neglect ourselves, the less effective and creative we are at what we are trying to do. The less effective we are, the less important we feel. The less important we feel, the more we begin to doubt and dislike ourselves. It’s more of that cycle thing. We pack so many things into our days and lives that Wonder Woman couldn’t accomplish them. At the end of most days we feel like we have been chased by a pack of wolves and just barely escaped being eaten. Sadly, we feel rewarded for the herculean effort but secretly ineffective for not doing better.
Denying ourselves of spiritual, emotional and physical replenishment is not a badge of honor.
We are so busy trying to take care of all the things we have taken on; we have neglected the most important thing, OUR NEEDS. Then we wonder why we feel empty or that something is missing. Often times we don’t even know what we want and if we do we are afraid to try it for fear we will fail.
When we over-commit we deprive ourselves of the time, energy and desire to even think about what we really want and need.
The subject of BALANCE is of great importance and a key ingredient to discovering and loving yourself. I would say all, with a very few exceptions, of the women I see battle the Wonder Woman syndrome. In most cases we spend large amounts of time doing things because we should do them and not because we choose to. I am not talking about the process of time management to enable us to do more in less time. I am talking about the absolute need to value ourselves and to have limits. We need to be sure to schedule time for the things that are important to us but time spent with and for ourselves needs and deserves a high priority in that balance.
Here is a fun and enlightening exercise that highlights how we are actually allotting our time to the things we care about. I call it:
PENNIES FOR YOUR TIME
This exercise will highlight what your current priorities are for the things you most care about and will show you which areas in your life are in need of attention.
YOUR EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT
1. Make a list of the things you care the most about in your life. I have provided an example below but feel free to eliminate or rename any of these categories as they apply to you and your life. Keep it to no more than eight categories and DON’T ELIMINATE THE “TIME SPENT WITH AND FOR SELF” category.
1. Work – Include housework and job in this category.
2. Family – Include children, grandchildren and parents in this category. Phone calls and cards/letters count if they do not live in your city.
3. Friends - Girlfriends and anyone you consider a friend that is not your mate.
4. Passions – hobbies, sports, golf, bridge whatever you consider a genuine interest.
5. Physical well being – Exercise, stretching, gym, jogging, dieting or anything related to maintaining your personal health.
6. Time spent with and for Self – Meditation, journaling, relaxing alone with music/book, gardening, soaking in a tub and anything you do alone with and for yourself.
7. Community – Volunteering or kind gestures we spoke of earlier for friends or strangers.
8. Partner – Things you do for and with your partner including cooking, cleaning, shopping, caring for and dating.
2. Now take Eight cups and label them with the categories you have thought about and chosen. Place these cups on a table or dresser where you can see them daily and in order of their importance to you. Leave them there for two weeks to a month. (I recommend a month)
3. Get a few of rolls of pennies,( or your piggy bank) and cut up some small squares of paper to be used for IOU’s and place them next to the cups on your designated space.
4. Each night before you retire place one penny in each of the cups that you spent time on that day. If you intended or wanted to spend time on one of the categories and didn’t, place an IOU paper in that cup.
5. At the end of the month, or the amount of time you allotted to this exercise, take out the pennies and stack them in front of each cup. If you have IOU’s in any of the cups remove one penny for each of the IOU’s from that cup. If there are NO pennies in the cup, (Yikes) stack the IOU’s in front of that cup.
Now you should be able to clearly see which categories are in need of your attention. The stacks of pennies should be reasonably even. If any of the categories are out of balance take out a sheet of paper and make a list of duties you have in that category. Define ways to reduce the time you spend in that category by deciding:
1. Which duties are an overextension, not essential or not a priority in your life and can be eliminated. Remember, when you are continually over committed you are more likely to become sick, grouchy, mentally and physically exhausted and depressed.
2. Which duties do you need and want in your life but can be delegated. This will free you up to be more effective at what you do, allow more time for the things you love to do and leaves room for growth and discovery of new things you may want to do!
3. Here is a concept, try under committing your time to allow for the unexpected emergencies that continually pop up.
4. Learn to say NO. Before you commit to another activity stop and take the time to weigh the decision. Spend 10 – 15 minutes or even a day to consider if it is a long or short term commitment, how important it is to you, what you are going to have to sacrifice in order to do it and what it will do to your level of stress. You can’t add hours to your day no matter what you do. Remember, you can’t be fully present and enjoy any activity if you’re feeling you should be somewhere else while you’re doing it.
5. Now for the cups that need more attention. Make a list of daily/weekly activities, even if they are small, that you will do to better balance your account to your satisfaction.
Our lives and goals are always changing and balance is an ongoing effort. You should repeat this exercise periodically when you notice you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.
v What do you do to replenish your emotional bank account? Share your thoughts and stories in the comment section below!! We’d love to hear…..
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Outside resources:
§ Book: Abraham Speaks, A New Beginning II
§ Book: Awakening at Midlife
Deborah Hayes, CTA Life Coach
Empowering women to live a life of consequence, a life without regrets that is your own unique version of the life you love. About Deborah
480-656-2026
deborah@womenintransitiononline.com
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