Endorphins…Woman’s best friend
When I was a girl it was diamonds; now that I’m a woman it’s endorphins. I think we’ve all heard about this natural pain relieving feel good chemical produced by our bodies. It is currently touted to relieve conditions such as depression, sadness, bad attitude, bad mood and pain to name a few. God’s gift? Yes, I think so.
My quick research on the internet yielded an array of answers as to when our bodies produce it.
When we are:
- stressed
- giving birth
- in pain
- having sex
- eating chocolate (small quantities recommended)
- eating spicy foods (as in chili peppers)
- exercising vigorously
- feeling happy
- smiling
- Laughing (not the golf clap kind)
- meditating
- “low to moderate” drinking (as in alcohol)
It’s that wonderful euphoric feeling when everything is right in your life and you just feel good. Like when you fall in love and can’t wait to see and be with that certain someone or hold your new grandchild for the first time. The question often asked is how to keep these endorphins rolling in our bodies and generate more of them when we need them.
This past weekend I stumbled upon one very pleasant method.
I was recently blessed to be contacted by my long lost friend, Kim, from my home town who I had not seen or heard from in years. She in turn connected me with our other good friend, Sharon, who had also moved away and not returned home for many years. After some communication via internet and phone we all decided it would be a fine idea to plan a reunion of sorts. It was agreed that Sharon and I would travel home and stay with Kim for a weekend and catch up on each other’s lives. What I had expected to be a simple fun excursion turned out to be something far more rewarding.
“Though our communication wanes at times of absence, I’m aware of a strength that emanates in the background.”
-Claudette Renner
From the moment I walked into Kim’s comfortable and inviting home, speckled with mementos of all things dear to her that speak to the special person she is, I felt at home again. It was a perfect place for sharing and reclaiming important parts of ourselves at a time in our lives when we most need to remember.
The Reunion
Over the way too short weekend we shared memories, laughter, triumphs, disappointments, concerns, praise, recipes and remedies. We bought matching readers and granny chains so we could see each other’s treasures without the need to search for eyes to see and magical tennis shoes to make us stand straight, transform our calves, thighs and bums. It was just like the good old days and as if the many events and circumstances lived over a block of 20 years time had not passed. In the end… we enjoyed the comforting mutual appreciation of not who we were or what we’ve become but of what we are; that part of us on the inside that despite all that occurs in our lives remains the same. Endorphins flew like hundreds of butterflies emerging from their chrysalis.
So if you’re looking for endorphins and to touch that soft mushy marshmallow part inside you that sometimes gets lost in all our trials and tribulations; find your friends and spend some quality time with them. Sometimes we get so caught up with the business of life we neglect to nurture the very thing that will enrich our lives and sustain us; an enduring friendship.
“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”
- Sent by Donna Robert
- What does friendship mean to you? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below. Share with us!
From A Caregivers Point Of View…
As promised, the second of two. ..
A heartwarming and informative personal story sent in response to the When Mother Gets Sick, Part I post:
I, too, have been in the same boat with my mom. When my dad passed away, I returned home with my husband-to-be, relocating from one coast to another, to oversee mom’s life in general and be her support system. She was still young at age 70 and quite capable of being on her own but some of the day-to-day things that my dad handled were suddenly daunting (do we have enough fire insurance or who will climb the ladder to change the smoke detector batteries?). We muddled through on our own. Six years later, the three of us decided to relocate to Arizona.
Mom was still very independent and able to live on her own. We secured two apartments in the same community, unpacked our things and prepared for life in our new city. We were so excited and hopeful. My intention was to find some nice male companionship for my mom as she was still very vibrant and full of life. Or so I thought…
Ten days after we arrived, my mom and I were having a conversation by phone and she was talking backward. Nothing made sense. She was having seizures for the first time in her life although I didn’t know it at the time. My husband and I took her to the ER and went through a battery of tests. We learned several days later that she had a brain tumor in the area of her brain that controls speech. Surgery was scheduled and performed and we sat on pins and needles waiting for the diagnosis. Another ten days of worry went by and we were hit with the news that mom had a year to live. I was told it was time to start radiation; five days/week for five weeks. I received that call from our neurosurgeon while I was alone in my home. I froze on the phone. Then hung up and literally screamed from the pit of my stomach. I wailed like a child although I was 38 years old. So this was it. No fun happy hours for mom; no dates for mom. Surgery, radiation, death. I had a year with her at best and no plan. Oh…and I had to deliver the diagnosis myself.
I was quickly thrust into the medical world of blood work, appointments, post-op instructions and the job of continuously explaining to my mom her diagnosis and that she was not dumb; the tumor was interfering with her ability to speak. No guidance for what to do, how to do it or what to expect. I had no idea that caregivers even existed. How do you know when mom is near the end of her life? How do you know when it’s time to call hospice? How do I honor my mom’s wishes and continue to let her be fiercely independent and live by herself? I was a clueless adult child who was about to become an orphan. It was time to pull up my boot straps and figure it out.
My mom always used to say “what would I do without you” and I really didn’t have an answer. What did everyone else do who didn’t have a daughter to devote every waking hour to her mother? Let’s face it, we can’t stop our lives, quit our jobs and sit ‘round the clock for possibly years at a time waiting for our parents to pass on. We are still in the land of the living and must function while preserving our quality of life and that of our parents’.
Two years after she passed away I decided to answer her question “what would I do without you”. I searched for a way to help others, fulfill my own heart’s needs and employ myself at the same time. I contacted an agency and asked that they give me a chance and hire me. I had hands’ on experience and my heart was in the right place. I was certain there were others out there who needed me and I was right. Over the past six years I have been fortunate to see both sides of the coin; as a caregiver employed by an agency and ultimately as a self-employed non-medical caregiver!
Both have advantages and disadvantages to the client in need of care.
A caregiving agency can provide 24-hour care with shift changes. They can provide backup if the caregiver is sick. On the other hand, I am one person with a family of my own and can only provide so many hours of care in a day. An agency is going to place more restrictions on the caregiver’s involvement, i.e., they do not allow caregivers to dispense medications or even tap a pill into mom’s hand.
As a self-employed caregiver, I can give all of myself and offer as much as I’m comfortable with.
When contacting an agency, ask questions not only of the agency and their policies but actually interview the caregivers yourself. If you don’t like their answers, move on to an agency that does fulfill your needs. Pretend this is your infant going to daycare and do the same kind of legwork needed to find the right people. Your parent is just as vulnerable as an infant.
When you meet, if your gut tells you to move on from that caregiver, do it. Don’t allow your own doubts about *being fair* to creep in by telling yourself that you’re not giving the caregiver a chance. If you have doubts, listen to your inner voice! You can’t go wrong.
My best recommendation for finding a private caregiver is to ask your parent’s friends for recommendations. Chances are, they have a caregiver or have had one. People never lose the business card of a good caregiver. Ask people you trust in your church, the local drug store that has a home health department, your trusted family doctor, your hairdresser and the neighbors. Chances are good that one of your friends has already dealt with this and can advise you. Really open your eyes and pay attention as you’re moving through your daily life. When you see a client and her caregiver in the grocery store or the hair salon, listen and really hear what’s going on. If that caregiver seems loving and gentle, ask her for a business card. Did she open the door for her client or did she leave her behind while she walked on ahead with her cell phone pressed to her ear? Observe.
When I meet a new client for the first time (as a caregiver for hire), I encourage as many of the adult children as possible to be present with a list of questions. Mom should have her own list of questions, too. Then we sit as a family and have a cup of coffee and just talk. I tell them about my own personal experience with my folks but keep out the expansive medical details. I also suggest they contact the families I work with or have worked with for personal references. They know the name of my husband and will eventually meet him. I have even broken the ice with an elderly couple who were resistant to caregiving by bringing pictures of my dogs. The client knows who I am before I even know who she is. And most importantly…mom is addressed to her face and talked to as part of the decision-making team. Even if she is unable to communicate well, I feel it is of the utmost importance to maintain respect toward her at all times. Never speak about her as if she’s not in the room. This is her life we’re trying to enhance as a team. And if she doesn’t like the caregiver, listen to her and pinpoint why. Not every relationship is a match made in heaven. Mom has her vibes too and she’s the one who will be spending her precious hours with that caregiver.
This is a scary time of life when mom is losing her independence, driving privileges, and her friends. It’s not easy for her to face it all and by telling mom “you have to do xyz” is only going to cause a battle and make her resistant to these changes.
I believe a good caregiver brings ideas to the table on the type of care she can provide. I’m always asked “what exactly to you do” and my reply is “I do everything a daughter would do”. Then I elaborate. My purpose in a private home is to keep my client independent and safe. I will then offer ideas on how to make that happen, i.e., removing throw rugs, extension cords, step stools, etc. I suggest that I can help with light housekeeping, i.e., change the bed, empty the dishwasher, do the laundry, cook, shop, schedule doctor/hair/nail appointments, get mom to her appointments on time, report to the family what the doctor has said, order prescriptions, etc.
My personal touch goes a long way and I eventually become part of the family until the end of the client’s life. I request the children participate in mom’s life not only for her sake but for mine as well. Interaction with family and friends helps offset depression in our seniors. It’s a team effort. And as the saying goes “there’s no I in team”!
I can also assist in the nursing home/assisted living/Alzheimer’s setting. Families cannot always be present during working hours to check on mom. But a caregiver can. I offer random checks in my business where the family knows I’m going to see mom but the facility does not know when I’ll be arriving or how long I’ll be staying. A good quality facility should welcome another pair of eyes. I also like the idea of a log book in the client’s room. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy; just a notebook to jot down observations or concerns.
Remember that as your mom’s child, your intention is powerful. Put out there what you want coming back. It may take time and you may go through a few caregivers, but the right one will come along.
Take time for you. Don’t punish yourself about keeping that Saturday afternoon all to yourself. You cannot be a good caregiver if you’re not taking care of yourself. Chances are good that mom is quite fulfilled from the conversations with her new caregiver and she’s thrilled that you’re taking the time to do something for yourself!
And remember…through the eyes of our parents, the most important role we play is their child not their caregiver. They’re still the parents and they’re still in charge. A hug does us all good!
About the author: Dianne Marcinizyn is a private caregiver in Scottsdale, Arizona. She is also a licensed and nationally certified massage therapist specializing in deep tissue and trigger point therapies. She lives with her husband and two senior rescued Labrador retrievers and is currently developing recipes for homemade dog food in her spare time. She can be reached at Gemini1961@aol.com.
When Mother Gets Sick…
Part 2
Wow! What an overwhelming response. Remember when I said if you ask most people to comment on this subject they are brief and somewhat dismissive? Well… try asking someone to write about it! I received a number of responses in my email. All said that once they got started writing they had more to say than they thought. Additionally a number commented that it felt good to put their thoughts into words. (Hmmm, note to those of you who are resistant to journaling!!)
Thank you to all of you who were kind enough to share your personal and heartwarming stories. Now I would like to share a couple of them with you:
The first of two…
Five years ago I turned my father’s care over to a nursing facility. It was overwhelmingly emotional for me to take my dad to a nursing home and leave him in the care of people I didn’t know.
I tried to be the good daughter and to do the responsible thing…I wanted to avoid the decision that would be best for both of us. So, I cleaned his home, made sure he ate three squares a day and gave him his medications at the times prescribed. This kept me running between my home and his four times a day! Then the phone calls increased not only from him, but also from neighbors who were concerned for his welfare. He was taking walks and getting lost, he could no longer recognize his home and was having falls…it was becoming more and more obvious Dad was going to need more help than I could provide.
The role of father and daughter seemed to change almost over-night. Of course, I wanted to be there for Dad; after all…he was there for me as a child so I made it my loving obligation to care for Dad. Being a wife, mother and working in the medical field for over 20 years made me feel more like it was my responsibility to be “his” caregiver. It is my belief that women are naturals at nurturing and they put it upon their own shoulders to give of themselves to the point of exhaustion before they realize they are not being fair to themselves or to those who they are caring for…until someone finally tells them they have burnt the candle from both ends.
Dad knew he was physically and mentally declining. He was scared and verbalized that to me; he didn’t know what was happening to him. All I could do was reassure him that I would be there for him. He was afraid of being dumped off at a nursing home and forgotten; he had seen that happen to some of his friends. The emotional insecurity he was feeling was like that of a child afraid of going off to boarding school. No matter what our age we are all children and need a hand to hold!
Now five years later, the nursing home staff is his family, too. When I see their caring touch and how they respond to him; I know he is really comfortable in his home. Dad isn’t so much in our world anymore…he has cocooned into his own world. It’s no longer a world of recognizing me as the little girl who sat on his knee, or remembering family holidays and being able to give me advice when I needed it. Now it is an unspoken world of blank stares and babbling uncomprehending words. Yes, I am still the little girl on his knee and I remember the family holidays. Now, I use the advice that he taught me to take care of his finances.
Oh, I am also there to care for his emotional needs, as I steal a kiss from him before I leave him after my visits…sometimes he responds in kind and I see a twinkle in his eyes!
About the author: Christine Sherriff is a Massage Therapist who works primarily with a powerful technique called Healing Touch. Healing Touch is the physical transfer of human life energy which redirects the body’s energy fields. As a result it restores harmony and helps to promote emotional and physical wellbeing within the body. Christine is a great advocate in promoting how important the power of touch is for our aging population; since it creates a greater sense of emotional security. Remember to hug someone every day! (4/26/09)
When Mother Gets Sick…
Part I
Of the people I know it’s about a 50-50 split as to whether or not one’s parents are still with us. If you are at midlife they are most certainly entering that period where you realize they will need your help to some degree or another. Those who have gone through this part of their life are somewhat dismissive about it whether it is because they have come to terms with what they did about it and moved forward or they simply do not want to recall all the gory details again. Both understandable but for those who are now or close to moving through this period the lack of advice, information and support can be daunting and the guilt surrounding this event is most uncomfortable. It forces us to come to terms with our relationships with our parents and the question of what is the right thing to do and how to handle the frightened demands made on us.
As with any change it is often easier to stay within the known until we are forced to the unknown. As we see a commercial or receive literature in the mail with regards to anything even remotely close to this subject it is easier to say “I’ll deal with it when it comes, everything is fine right now and I have time.” With the number of baby boomers aging this is a very big issue. Yes it’s personal, private and riddled with conflicting feelings. It is also a time when we feel we will be judged on our performance and decisions by our family, friends and even ourselves. Yikes, no wonder we choose not to think or speak about it! For some of us there is the support of a large family and for others the decision falls on a single shoulder. This can be good because there is less wrangling and personality conflicts but also bad for the lack of support or input from someone who cares as much as you do.
Due to this avoidance, this time in our life can feel as though it comes suddenly and without warning. Or maybe it arrives like unexpected rain at a well planned outdoor wedding. Either way, when it comes I think most of us feel overwhelmed and a strong need to commiserate with someone hoping to find justification or help with our decision. And let’s face it, unless you are a caregiver or involved in this industry this is not the most pleasant of subjects and not easily broached among friends or family. We don’t chat about this much. It is an awkward subject and sits dangerously close to private feelings we may wish to avoid exploring.
WHEN MOTHER GETS SICK
You may or may not have noticed but I have not written a post in about a month. Although my mother is recovering nicely and will still be able to live alone, the knee replacement she just received has been a vivid preview of what could be. For me, my world came to a screeching halt.
My mom is my surviving parent, no surprise there, the percentage of women who survive their mate is high. The fact is we as women are likely to live out our last years alone. I have chosen to tell myself, she is lucky and very healthy for her age. She still drives, does her own yard and if you’re ready to close your eyes and tape your mouth shut she can whip your garage into an enviable site for the most efficient organizer. (You no longer have to wonder about what’s in those boxes at the back) Aside from some expected arthritis and brief health issues she is in excellent health for an 83 year old women.
At times when my mother has broached this subject I have chosen to make light of the issue intimating for her not to worry that I will take care of her and I was sincere about this. (Avoidance) Now I find myself asking “but how will I care for her and how much care will she need? Can she or I afford it and will her insurance cover it when the time comes? Will I move her in with me and at what point. Would she be happy in senior care environment or would she feel abandoned?” (Reality) All this is easy to say until it’s in your face. But what this also brings closer to the surface is the fact that in a few number of years, less for some of us, we could be the ones who need. We all say and think, my mom included, that we do not want to be a burden to our children. But when the time comes and we feel the fear of not being able to fend for ourselves as we once had, when we feel vulnerable and have been ripped from the comfort of a predictable lifestyle that doesn’t demand any changes, how will we really feel?
So what is the answer? Plan and hope circumstances don’t disrupt your plan, definitely a good idea. Should we have a plan B and C? That wouldn’t hurt either. Needless to say, although I thought I had considered this event, I really had not. Given what I know now, I have taken and will continue to take the time to truly consider the pros and cons of a number of options. When my mom feels better and more in control we will discuss how we both feel. I know this, if the outcome of this health issue had been different, I was completely unprepared and in this brief month I have felt completely overwhelmed. Our lives, goals and circumstances are always changing. Decisions about the care of a loved one will always be difficult but to have the knowledge of possible options will relieve a great deal of stress for anyone in this circumstance. Over this past week I have taken the time to do a little research and have discovered, much to my surprise, this scary subject is really not as scary as I thought it would be. There are some very interesting and uplifting lifestyle options available and more on the horizon.
Knowledge is power; it builds confidence and eases fear.
In next week’s article I will share what I have found on this subject but I am hoping to hear from anyone who can contribute to this subject.
v If you have insights, sources, stories or comments to share on this subject please comment below or email me at deborah@womenintransitiononline.com. I would especially like to hear of any creative solutions that have worked well for anyone!
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Deborah Hayes, CTA Life Coach
Empowering women to live a life of consequence, a life without regrets that is your own unique version of the life you love. About Deborah
deborah@womenintransitiononline.com
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