THE BIG BLACK HAT…
Yesterday I went shopping with my daughter. Her husband’s boss will be in town and she needed something to wear when they go out to dinner. The call to shop came on short notice and for this kind of excursion it is imperative to have someone entertain the baby, a curious two year old, while she shops so I agreed to go. I had on a comfortable black wrinkle peasant skirt and a safe black t-shirt. I threw on some flip flops and we were off.
While Alexis was in the dressing room Mackenzie, who shares my love of hats, and I noticed a very attractive woman of a certain age trying on an enormous chic black sun hat. When she tossed it into her cart and left we sauntered over to the display to give them a try. I immediately grabbed one of the big black hats and tried it on for her to see. Kenzi was as intrigued as I was and pointed to the one in her current favorite color, pink. (Why did I not have my camera?) For a brief moment, as I held the hat and tried it on, I remembered when I too would have nonchalantly thrown this in my cart; just trying it on made me feel different, sexy and intriguing. This thought was immediately buffered by “where in the world would I wear this hat? In my back yard which is where I swim?” The moment of contemplation was broken as Alexis exited the dressing room. We spent a few more minutes looking and then headed for the check out.
The Big Black Hat
Interestingly enough the very chic woman of a certain age was in line in front of us. Behind us was another mother daughter team and the girl caught the stylish woman’s eye and said, “Aren’t you ____’s mother?” Yes she was and a very brief greeting occurred, a short discussion on the fabulous hat and the woman, whose demeanor suggested she was a little confused about the interest on the hat, continued on to the cash register. It was so clear she knew who she was, she knew her style and now it was just a matter of picking up things to maintain it. As she paid for her purchases I could barely hear the woman’s mother behind me ask in a hushed voice, “who is that?” Try as I might I couldn’t hear much more than rumblings but I too wondered who this stylish woman was.
I couldn’t resist the temptation as I discreetly peeked behind me to notice the woman who had asked the same question I had thought. She was not unattractive but like me, there was little or no thought above comfort given to her costume. Of course I did not continue to stare at the woman but I knew we were both scrutinizing this chic woman as she paid.
She had very blonde hair that was slicked back in a small pony tail. She wore rust colored linen walking shorts and a matching top. Her large chandelier earrings, (a set of three wooden circles; brown, rust and olive green) complimented and worked perfectly with her outfit. She had on plain cork wedge sandals. Her trendy woven blanket tote was the perfect final touch to the ensemble. She looked artsy in a classic sort of way and had that put together look that said she hadn’t tried, it just happened.
As we watched her pay I could feel us both shriveling and experiencing the same unspoken epiphany. Why didn’t I take just a moment to put on a trendy bracelet and earrings to compliment my outfit and perhaps something, anything more interesting than rubber flip flops on my feet? Our body languages spoke volumes. Looking at her made us both feel old, unimaginative, uninteresting and unimportant.
When I arrived home and set about my work I couldn’t quite shake the feeling. I wondered about my tendancy lately to pay less attention to how I looked. I noticed how I had unknowingly fallen into the “well I’m only going to the fill in the blank” syndrome so why bother. So I asked myself the question again, where would I wear that hat? I swim at home and no one would see me in it anyway. The answer slowly surfaced. I would see me. More importantly I would FEEL me. I would feel beautiful, special and stylish in it. Clearly, from the way I felt for those five minutes or so, taking the time and effort to feel I’m important enough look good for me is a big part of my self esteem. It really wasn’t about the stylish woman who may or may not look like that every time she shops but it was about me and how important it is for me to look good for me.
So this morning I went back to that store and bought the sexy black hat. As I wandered through the store with a fresh attitude and eye, I saw another woman and her girlfriend, both safely, unimaginatively and comfortably dressed, remark to her friend as she gingerly carried the hat with her, “are you sure I won’t look silly?” And then I remembered the stunning woman and how unaware, confident and comfortable she was with her look as she conscientiously went about acquiring the things she knew she wanted to maintain her “SELF” in a style she felt fabulous in. She had been unaware and uninterested in what anyone else thought.
Nourishing yourself on the inside and outside are surprisingly connected and an important part of our self esteem and who we are. It sounds too simple to be true but when you feel you look good you act differently. If you feel shabby and plain you will act that way and others will feel that way about you too. It’s a great way to become and feel invisible.
What an important lesson the big black hat taught me. If I didn’t think I would be arrested for loitering, I would love to spend an afternoon quietly watching and listening to all the women who visit the big black hat display in that store!
I am officially placing neglecting to create, maintain and respect your personal sense of style on the list of things that can make a woman feel, look and act old.
v What do you feel makes a woman feel, look and act old? Share your comments and ideas in the comments section and if you enjoyed this article don’t forget to book mark it on del.icio.us. Your support is appreciated!
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Midlife Summer Camp!
Do you remember when you were little and every summer you went to camp? Do you remember the first time you went to camp? It was a rite of passage and it signaled that you were “old enough” and it “was time”. You likely had never been away from your mother and home and even as you were excited about going, there was a big part of you that was afraid. You didn’t know exactly what it was that you were afraid of but it was something, and it was big.
I remember the excitement of what became the ritual drive up to the camp with the entire family. The settling in with my parents at my side, the meet and greet, the tour, the preview of the planned activities, lunch, and then the goodbye. That’s when the realization sunk in that although all this was supposed to be, going to be and probably might be fun…I was being LEFT. There were a few tears and a fair amount of drama at the parting and somewhere in the week of nights there was always someone in need of the counselor for what was termed “a case of homesick”. I also remember after that first camp looking forward to the next year.
It has been quite some time since I have had any first hand or current experience with the camp thing but as I talk to mothers who have they tell me it’s all specialized now. There’s space camp, science camp, gym camp, volley ball camp, you name it camp. It seems that when kids go to camp these days it is to further explore an interest. But in my day you were treated to a variety of projects and activities that you likely had never been exposed to before; canoeing, bird watching, leaf collection, the art project and the end of camp talent show you prepared for with your new friend. It was a variety of novel, stimulating and interesting activities. Do you remember?
When it was over, although you were glad to see your family, there was a part of you that hated it to end. But when it did you were surer of yourself for having survived and you felt as if you had discovered a new curiosity for the world and what it had to offer. After that first camp you somehow sensed, in a big girl way, that you would be forever different.
I think the two biggest things that can make a woman old, uninteresting and out of touch with her inner self is the lack of a sense of adventure and curiosity. I’m not saying you don’t have things in your life you enjoy. Maybe you play golf, which you love, every weekend, jog or prepare for the annual walkathon or marathon. You eat at the same places and see your same friends. You love them but somewhere along the line you notice there is nothing new in your life and it feels routine.
When did you quit trying new things to see if there is more and if it might interest you? When did you stop growing and stretching and start to simply grow old?
There are wonderful camps, or I guess I should say adventures, excursions or trips for grownups such as the outward bound experiences where you push your limits and overcome fears with the support of fellow females, ( on my bucket list) and of course the spa and relaxation thing. There are also a number of camps that specialize in the interest of your choice, i.e. rock climbing, biking, etc. You may or may not have the funds and time for a week or so off to take advantage of these but why not indulge in something even better and far more lasting.
Remember Summer Camp?
CREATE YOUR PERSONAL SUMMER CAMP ADVENTURE
The weather is beautiful and it’s the perfect time for exploring, stretching and growing. This camp isn’t structured and you grow it at your own pace. There is no pressure involved and once you begin it takes on a life of its own. When you go to this camp you will discover that you can tweak your curiosity, creativity and sense of adventure muscles without the need to leave town. The results of your efforts will leave you feeling inspired, younger, alive and hopeful; imaginative, vibrant, interested and interesting.
It’s very simple to do and here’s how it goes:
1. Pick up your city parks and recreation brochure. They usually offer a good variety of adult activities and they are generally pretty affordable. If you have an idea of what you’re interested in trying, of course the internet is priceless!
2. Start by taking ONE activity or class that genuinely intrigues you and hopefully something you can pay for by the class. (no commitment) If you like it you can continue but it still leaves the opportunity to explore other avenues.
3. From there broaden your horizons and experiment to your heart’s content. It is important to go into the “Personal Summer Camp Adventure” with your mind and attitude in the spirit of trying as many new things as possible and hanging on to the new things you discover you love.
Think of it as the perpetual life camp adventure whose purpose is to remind you to stay in touch with your inner child and curiosity in your everyday life. Hopefully you will look up one day and find that you are not just living on the surface of things; that somewhere in your adventures you have found the knack for living in the moment, simply for the moment. Maybe you will learn not to take yourself and life’s traumas so seriously. Maybe you will manage to recapture some of the pure joy and authenticity of the child you once knew who danced in the woods pretending to be a butterfly or a fairy without the fear of anyone’s judgment.
Try this, not because it is good for your business, resume, children, mate or anyone but because it is good for you. Maybe, while finding the treasure that is the zest for life and living, you will find you have become the treasure!
I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.
Diane Ackerman (1948-present) quoted in Newsweek, September 22, 1986
v Sound like fun? Share your thoughts and what you are exploring for your midlife summer camp.
Procrastination, a Disease or a Habit?
Procrastination, A Disease or a Habit?
Whichever it is, it can have very negative effects on the quality of our lives. It is responsible for:
· Deterring our progress for any goal we are trying to achieve
· Creating stress in our lives
· Making you feel incompetent and guilty which are big red flags for self esteem
· Producing negative self talk, (which can cause some pretty nasty welts on your wrist if you’re using a rubber band to help retrain negative self talk, or wear out your pretty stretch bracelet prematurely. Yikes!)
Isn’t it curious how closely related low self esteem, negative self talk, and procrastination are?
This procrastination thing has a tendency to feed on itself and grow into quite a large monster if you’re not careful. When you avoid doing one task, there are usually a couple more related items you also put on the back burner because you need to complete task one first.
Every duty which is bidden to wait returns with seven fresh duties at its back. ~Charles Kingsley
Now you’re feeling overwhelmed, and it’s likely that you are, as you realize there isn’t enough time in each day to accomplish all that’s on your plate because you avoided that task you hate. No problem, I’ll just put in extra hours until it’s done and promise myself I won’t let this happen again. We won’t talk about the regular mundane tasks your letting go while you slay the monsters.
Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. ~William James
Now you’re mentally and physically exhausted which leads you to feel stressed, like a failure and you begin to question your decisions and ability. Instead of feeling better when the original task is completed you find you’re staring at three or four more monsters that have grown to adulthood and are on the attack.
There are a number of excellent resources full of strategies for getting through the process and getting things done and most work pretty well. Here are a few I have tried and found to be very helpful:
· Prioritize your goals.
· Set realistic goals.
· Break overwhelming tasks into a series of small steps.
· Make sure to do something on your big goals everyday. (even if it is small)
· Go ahead and start a task even though you don’t have time to finish it that day.
· Plan and write everything you want to accomplish each day and cross off items as you complete them.(Builds confidence)
· If there are items you don’t get to, place on the next day’s agenda.
· Have an idea, in writing, of what you would like to accomplish for the week.
· Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t complete everything you planned.
· Reward yourself in some way for your accomplishments.
· Don’t over commit yourself. (This will set you up for failure!)
· Get the clutter out of your space!
These are but a few of the multitude of options available on how to cope with procrastination. All of them are good and like child rearing, dog training, diet and exercise, whatever you decide to do, if you are tenacious and consistent, it works. But for me, this seems to have the effect of treating the symptom while not knowing what the disease is.
The best success I have had is trying to understand where my fear and reluctance for a task or goal comes from. Most of the things I procrastinate about are things I fear or believe I am not good at. Of course we can’t be good at everything and we don’t love everything we do. But if we are willing to undergo high levels of stress and the consequent difficulties of avoiding something we need or want to do, there has to be a reason or a belief that is at the root of this avoidance.
Here is a good personal example. When I was VERY young, like most of us, I held a number of positions while trying to find my wings. My father was an incredibly gifted salesperson and could, as they say, sell ice to Eskimos. My brother was also gifted in the field so it was only natural, especially since I was fired from my first secretarial position in a matter of two months that I would gravitate to the field as well. Long story short, I was hired to sell specialty advertising, taken to a specialty advertising convention and show, given a huge number of lines to sell, told I was a natural, gifted and sure to be their best salesperson. I was pumped. On the very first day I walked into a clothing store that my mother and I had often shopped in thinking it would be a safe first attempt. I didn’t get two steps into the front door with my catalogue when the sales person saw me and said in a loud voice for the whole store to hear, “Oh no, no. Get out, out, out.” She literally chased me out of the store. I cannot begin to tell you how devastated, embarrassed and humiliated I was. I ran to my father’s office in tears to tell him my story. He assured me that it was not the end of my career, I shouldn’t and couldn’t wear my feelings on my sleeve and that I would be fine. Although I found success in the field of sales, I made sure whatever I sold did not require cold calling!
The example above is obvious but sometimes there are more subtle things in our past that are at the root of our reluctance to tackle a goal or task. Perhaps it was a remark a boyfriend, relative, boss, teacher or family member once said. Maybe it was something you read or heard and it stuck with you. You repeated it to yourself over and over and created a pathway in your brain as we discussed in the article on self talk. If you find yourself repeatedly and consistently procrastinating on a goal or task it is very useful to spend some time and ask yourself:
1. Is there something about this task that I think I can’t do or might fail at?
2. Where is this thought, belief or feeling coming from?
3. What proof do I have that this is true?
4. Have I made a sincere effort to accomplish or improve my skills for the task?
5. Is this something I really need or want to do?
6. Is this something I simply don’t like, need or want to do and I can delegate to someone else?
Spending some time to discover what the disease really is can make the cure far more efficient and effective. Procrastination is a drain on our self esteem and the quality of our life. The next time you find yourself unable to promptly begin a project try asking yourself these questions and see if you discover a long excepted myth in your life that is holding you back!
v What do you do to avoid procrastination? Share your thoughts and comments and if you enjoyed this article don’t forget to book mark it on del.icio.us. Your support is appreciated!
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Outside resource:
· Book: Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway
· Book: Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain
If I knew then what I know now…
We have all heard this line a thousand times. My mother meted out this wisdom on any occasion when wise counsel or gentle consoling was needed. It was dispensed with love and affection and was the moral of the story she told of a similar survived event in her life. It was intended to assure me that whatever perceived devastating event I was experiencing I would certainly recover, hopefully learn from and move on to a brighter day. She was right. Yes, of course she was right. Does any of this sound familiar? Can you feel yourself sobbing, sitting on your mom’s lap pouring out your tale of woe and feeling safe while wrapped in her arms with your head on her strong wise shoulder.
Fast forward. Now I am 57. Like a lot of us from this generation, when the glass ceiling was decidedly lower than today and more akin to a brick wall, the bulk of our education came from living and doing. Sometimes doing because we wanted to, (lessons) and sometimes because we had to, (more lessons). For us this education came from the things they do not and cannot teach you in school, whether you attended or not. This is knowledge gained from being adventurous, foolish, sensible; getting married, divorced, perhaps married again; raising beautiful children to adulthood through good times and bad times, sometimes alone, sometimes not alone; experiencing joy, love, hate, despair, rejection, acceptance; sometimes feeling important and sometimes feeling foolish and often times feeling overwhelmed. Working for need, want and sometimes for passion; succeeding, failing, succeeding again, maneuvering through hardship, heartbreak and untold number of circumstances, overcoming, sometimes just surviving and many times, in fact most times thriving. Now this is Wisdom.
And now we are here. Women of “a certain age” armed with a collection of more or less half a lifetime of experiences, failures, successes, wisdom and the knowledge that this is it. We have earned the right to say the line and know exactly what it means. IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW… We know what we didn’t know THEN and the time is NOW. Exciting, exhilarating and a little frightening to be blessed at this time of unparalleled opportunity for women to craft a life we love. Now we are empowered with our wisdom and ready to discover and grasp exactly what we want for the second half of the rest of our lives.
We know what we do not want, right? We certainly have learned that. With so much time spent sacrificing, nurturing and caring for the needs and wants of everyone else the question is;
WHAT DO WE WANT?
How do we go about getting it? What do we take with us on this journey? What do we leave behind? Are there pieces of ourselves back there that we put away for “later” that we want back with us? Are there things that we put away so long ago that we don’t remember and we need them?
For me the journey began by taking time to seriously reflect on who I really was. Armed with an impressive library of inspirational and educational books inherited and collected over the years I at last started with a theme that was central to all of them. I turned off the noise and cast away the many roles I had played and began the process of answering my first question:
DO I LOVE MYSELF?
I remember feeling a little uncomfortable even asking the question and unsure how to begin to answer. I took a number of self esteem assessments from a number of sources which helped me to begin to focus. The following is a sampling of some questions that will help to shed light on the subject:
How many of these can you identify with?
- A friend at a party only briefly chats with me and appears to be in a bad mood. Did I do something to offend her? Is she upset with me?
- I obsess and worry about attending an upcoming party because I know a certain person who is younger, always looks fabulous and is the bell of the ball will be there.
- My co-worker receives high verbal praise in our weekly meeting and it makes me feel incompetent and that it must mean I haven’t been doing a good job.
- Something that I don’t understand is brought up in a class I am taking and I don’t ask for clarification for fear of looking stupid.
- I’m afraid to ask for a raise even though I feel I deserve one.
- I don’t apply for a job I am interested in because I assume they will think I’m not qualified.
- When I walk into a gathering and people look at me I feel there is something wrong and it makes me uncomfortable.
- My food is not prepared properly at a restaurant but I don’t mention it so as not to be a bother.
- Someone compliments me and I feel the need to counter it with a self depreciating comment about myself.
If you identify with some of these statements you might be feeling you are not good enough. As surprising at you might believe, some of the people you view as the most self assured are the ones who might relate more than you think to these questions. We are all very good at wearing masks to get us through what we need. What would our lives be like if we could find our true selves and never feel the need to be anything or anyone other than who we really are; if we knew we were more than enough?
Here are 5 steps to help you discover who you are and what you want:
Commit. Remember you have spent many years changing and adapting your personality to accommodate the circumstances you encountered. Most of the roles you played were based on the expectations of others; families, companies and bosses. You need to be prepared to slow down and spend some quality time with yourself. Start by writing down how you feel about your life right now and how you would like to change it and why.
Be Quiet. There is so much noise in our lives! The drone of the TV, constant background music at home, in the car, malls, grocery stores and even in our places of work. Set aside as much time as possible during each day when nothing is on. You will be pleasantly surprised at the the sound of silence; birds at a distance, the sound of a breeze through an open window, the unique rhythmic sounds your house makes and most importantly your own thoughts. This simple act can take you off auto pilot and help you to be more aware of what you think and feel.
Take time for reflection or meditation. Set aside 10-15 minutes every day to stop all thought and meditate. Periods of shutting off the constant flow of thoughts running through our minds every moment we are awake can reduce stress and is a powerful tool for self knowledge. It takes a bit of practice but it is well worth the effort.
Alter your daily patterns. Ever notice how you arrive at work or a daily destination and you don’t remember the drive? Start varying your driving route and alter some of your daily routines at home as well. This step helps to take you off auto pilot and begins to prepare your mind for new ways of thinking and doing and starts the habit of being more alert and present in the moment.
Journal.I wish I could tell you that I journal every day. I don’t. But I am working on it! I can tell you I have always written down my thoughts during difficult times or when I was confused about an important decision. When I go back and read these writings I am always shocked at the revelations I find about myself. Whether you do it daily or weekly journaling will dramatically accelerate your self discovery process.
Your five simple steps: be committed, be quiet, be still, be alert and be aware. Try integrating these steps into your life to help you slow down and make your self discovery process easier.
Outside resources
- Book : The Tao of Inner Peace
- Book: Awakening at Midlife
Deborah Hayes, CTA Life Coach
Empowering women to live a life of consequence, a life without regrets that is your own unique version of the life you love. About Deborah
deborah@womenintransitiononline.com
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