Welcome to “You’re Beautiful”, Edition #1
Inspiring stories of fellow beautiful women of a certain age
It is my great pleasure to introduce you to Ms. Deborah E Ray.
Her Pearl of Wisdom:
“Always be of the Mind Set – That Life is an Adventure
If you don’t …You’ll be a Nut Job”
Deborah E Ray
Born in 1947 (do the math) in a small rural area in western Illinois I grew up with my entire family circle (great-grandparents, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) all living within a two square mile radius of each other. My town was like most small towns in the 50s and 60s where the women were groomed to be June Clever clones, however, that was not in the cards for me because my female role models were different. How Different? My great-grandma owned one of the most successful Taverns in town, my mother, who had four children and loved us all, enjoyed heading off to work each day at her Office Supply business and my father a World War II Vet was a construction worker who filled every free minute with golf. As a result of the strong women in my family my grandparents were my parental substitutes. I was unaware of the role reversal because it was all I knew, it was, “Normal”.
I remember at the early age of five I told my father that I wanted to be a lawyer. Unaware of the effects of being raised in a female dominant family he in turn told me that I would make a great nurse or teacher. I admire nurses and teachers greatly but the professions were not for me. I didn’t watch Leave It to Beaver, I watched and loved Perry Mason, I didn’t play with dolls, I liked to be with the boys and climb trees and play baseball, I did great in math and lousy in English. I also realized early that hanging out with boys and going out was much more fun than studying. I did have some girl in me for I loved to go shopping and go on dates. I did have a lot of girlfriends but many more male friends (platonic). The handwriting was on the wall, I loved being in the male world of brains and bronze before the career woman was popular. I guess back in the 50s girls were supposed to talk about girly things and men talked about their careers and sports. I really didn’t fit-in with either group. I did it my way.
Against the norm I left home and went to college in Miami, Florida. It was so exciting being on my own and in control of my self. Well, I had a little too much fun and a little less control and dropped out of school to get married and had a beautiful son. While I maintained the home and our son my husband continued building his career and received his Master’s degree. We were living the good ole materialistic life in Rockford, IL and then in Chicago, IL. Once my son was in school I decided I wanted another, a daughter and as fast as the thought came to me my beautiful baby girl was born. I loved my children so much yet felt empty. What had happened to my dream of being a career woman? I had two beautiful children, a nice home and a husband who provided for his family yet I still needed more. I decided, even though my daughter was an infant, to go back to school and finish College. Life was more crazy than ever – I would get my husband off to work, son off to school, strap my daughter to my back and head off to school only to return to make dinner, clean the house and kiss my children goodnight. I was doing it all and at times questioned why I was killing myself when all around me was good but I stayed true to myself and graduated in education. Yes, I became a teacher. I loved the challenges of forming young minds on a nothing salary. Oh, my parents were so proud.
POW…the golden boy that I married had an affair. I tried to work on my marriage and figure out what I had done wrong but soon I realized that I was working solo, so I got divorced. Oh my, how fast I went from being the proud parent child to the black sheep in the family – the first in my family to ever get a divorce. During this time in my life, I lived with low-self-esteem, I was confused about what I wanted, I was the mother of a 3 and 8 year old, not yet 30 and divorced. My family begged me to come back home to the small town environment from Chicago, and I did. When I first returned I was treated like I was the one who had broken up the marriage, however, I didn’t feel like I failed instead I viewed my ex-husband as the weaker one of us two. Fortunately, I stayed true to myself and listened to my inner strength. I read the book, “Pulling Your Own Strings” by Wayne Dyer and that was it, I re-packed the kids and drove back to Chicago within the week. Everyone around me thought I was crazy and would be turning back. Their lack of support made me that much stronger and the strong woman mentality I was raised to be. Once I returned home I knew I needed to do more to provide for my children so I went into Real Estate and worked in sales for a homebuilder.
During my down time I found a new love, self-help books, I couldn’t read enough! I found myself getting stronger and stronger. Every book I read was like a pep talk before the big game. I would get so excited to use my new information. I realized, beauty was from the inside out and I wanted to be valued for ME, for my personality, my skill, my endurance and my brain not my looks. With every book I read I felt the fire inside grow stronger and the power oozing – I was ready to dive into the male dominant workforce head first, BRING IT ON. Within two years of my home sales job I was promoted to Vice President of Sales and Marketing for a National Home Builder in Chicago. I was the girl in senior management and if the guy counter parts worked 10 hours a day, I worked 12 to prove myself. If they worked five days a week, I worked six and sometimes seven. The corporate ladder is a tough climb for women and especially for single women raising children. I will admit I was scared many times and wondered if I would ever be able to give my kids what they need. However, when I left my home and hit the pavement I had a look of confidence, sure I faked it sometimes but only I knew that.
Constant self-improvement, confidence building literature was my game. I didn’t cuss like a sailor or try to prove I fit in with the guys, it wasn’t me and I was going to stay true to myself. Outside of showing confidence, I always made sure I was prepared. yes, Prepared. Any time I was in a corporate meeting with the guys, I had always done my homework and never opened my mouth with a tone of emotion but instead always with the strength of knowledge and a tone of believing in myself. Showing confidence goes far even today, if you don’t feel confident at the time, try your best to project self-confidence and you will get through anything. You can always fall apart later with a glass of wine.
In 1979, I decided to start my own business, wow, was my confidence ever tested. So many times I wanted to curl up in a corner and cry but my need, want and desire to give my children the best of the best in life kept me going. When I started to feel self pity I would try to remind myself that my children didn’t ask to come from a divorced family and be raised by a single parent. Even today, although my children are adults, I still want to do the best in my career to provide the little things in life for them that might be beyond the stretch of their incomes. Finally, after many years of hard work and many nights of being away from my children I was able to give them and myself many wonderful things. I had finally made it in the male dominant industry, I had homes in Florida, Colorado and Wisconsin, nice cars, designer clothes and we took expensive vacations. However, I know now more than ever that nothing measures up to the blessings I get from my two children.
It hasn’t been easy and as I sit here now it hits me more than ever how much life is like a roller coaster. I sold my share of my company to my partner in 2000; after 21 years of blood, sweat and tears. When I left I was treated like an out-cast and my name was thrown around in the field unfairly. I married again in 1999 and got divorced in 2008. I acquired a new business partner in 2003 to become a builder and we successfully built two developments together to find out in 2008 that there was no money left – yep all gone – I wasn’t watching the store and believed too much in the partnership. I am now living through the current housing recession somewhat penniless and I’m in the life cycle of reinventing my career. But girlfriends, I love my children, I love myself and I believe I can do it again, and will, no matter how dark some of the days get. As I enter the tunnel on this roller coaster ride called life I will re-read my old friend, Pulling Your Own Strings, and fight as hard as I can until I get into the light. I have no regrets and as Frankie, ole blue eyes, would say, “I did it my way” and will continue to do so.
I would like to thank Deborah for sharing her inspiring story. As I read this and the stories that will follow in this monthly edition I realize that we women of a certain age are indeed diverse, strong, growing, fabulous and creative and we all share a unique and valuable resource.
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
Helen Adams Keller (1880- 1968)
v I hope you enjoyed this first edition and will share your story with Women in Transition. YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL and you deserve to be recognized! It’s easy, it’s fun and we’d love to meet you so go to the You’re Beautiful submission page and submit today! Inspire us.
Three Key Ingredients for Successful Visualization
In my last post I shared with you the Best Me self hypnosis technique to assist you in visualizing your goal or dream.
http://www.wikihow.com/Hypnotize-Yourself-Using-the-Best-Me-Technique
I have been practicing and using this tool for about a week now and I am finding it extremely helpful. One of the biggest problems I have always had with visualizing my goal has been to relax.
I have read a number of books and articles on the subject of visualization but the book I am the most comfortable with is Creative Visualization, by Shakti Gawain. The basic process for visualization is described as:
1. Decide the goal you wish to work on. I have found it best to work on one goal at a time.
2. Create a mental daydream, idea or picture in your mind of the goal as if it already exists. The more detail you can add the clearer your intention will be.
3. Focus on it often. During this past week and with the intention to honestly master this process, I have used the Best Me technique once in the morning and again in the evening as I lie in my bed to sleep. By the way, my evening visualization and self hypnosis process has provided me a wonderful, deep, peaceful night’s sleep!
4. Think of it with positive energy. This Best Me process has helped greatly with this aspect of visualizing. There are times when my mind cannot help but bring in too many questions about how I’m going to achieve my goal. This definitely disrupts the positive nature of the visualization process and can create negative feelings, which spoils the process!
Okay so far but more importantly the book discloses the Three Key Ingredients that would be necessary to have in order to be successful with your visualizations. They are:
1. Strong desire, which is described as “a clear, strong, feeling of purpose” and not the brute force kind of behavior that attracts negative energy.
2. BELIEF. I capitalized this because I think this is one of the more important ingredients in the formula. If you don’t believe it is possible why would it ever occur?
3. Acceptance. How many times have we said we really wanted something and were ready to have it but kept hearing that small soft voice from somewhere in our head that said “but what if”. As in; what if I get this and then I’m overwhelmed? What if I get this and I can’t handle it? What if it comes too fast? You know the voice. The one that keeps telling you as long as you’re simply pursuing your goal you don’t have to deal with the reality of having it…now.
So what is the big pre-cursor to all of this? To RELAX. There were so many times I would lay down to visualize and it seemed there were a number of mental movies in my head and they were all stuck on fast forward! That is why I was so delighted to find the Best Me self hypnosis technique. The process of focusing on my breathing and a pleasant atmosphere first seemed to alleviate many of the problems I was having with the visualization exercise. As I worked with this process I felt if I could hear the script it would be easier for me to relax, focus and engage. I taped the script and found it was just what I needed to effectively experience the process. I found this so useful I thought you might enjoy it as well. Here it is:
I hope you find this useful in your practice of visualization. Remember to place yourself in a QUIET, comfortable place and position. This works best if you focus on the words and form the picture of yourself in the scene in as much detail as possible. If you allow yourself to experience this fully you will find it very relaxing and enjoyable!
v As always, if you enjoyed this article don’t forget to bookmark it on delicious or share it with a friend. Your support is appreciated.
v Oh, and by the way, next week will be the first edition of “YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL”. I can’t wait to introduce you to your fellow beautiful women of a certain age. I would love to meet more of you so be sure to submit your photo and tell us a bit about yourself!
Outside resource:
§ Book: Creative Visualization, Shakti Gawain
§ Article: Hypnotize Yourself Using the Best Me Technique, wiki-How.com
How to relieve stress and achieve your goals, Part II
As I was searching last week for useful ways to eliminate stress I stumbled upon a really interesting practice helpful for achieving goals and dreams. Most of you are probably familiar with visualization as a method to achieve success. Athletes, speakers and all sorts of people have used this method with great success.
It involves quieting your mind as in meditation and creating a clear vivid picture of what you want in your mind. The idea is to repeatedly and positively think about your mental picture adding more and more details to it until it becomes very real to you. As you allow your imagination to expand your picture you actually feel yourself having it, touching it, using it and hearing what people will say to you when you obtain it; until you see and feel it actually exists. You are consciously creating a movie picture in your mind and with enough positive feeling and repetition it will become a strong belief, real and attainable. With enough positive energy and focus it manifests in your life.
Whether we acknowledge it or not, we all have experienced this to some degree or another. From simply believing and knowing we would find that “close in” parking space in the packed lot at Christmas time to nailing that interview or presentation. It’s those times when everything about the event seemed to feel smooth, right and effortless from beginning to end.
This is not a new phenomenon. There are many wonderful books devoted to the subject of visualization. If you are interested in changing anything in your life this practice is worth trying. I am currently re-reading two books listed below as references on the subject and I have found them really helpful in my attempt to master this skill but you may know of or find others you would prefer. I do recommend you find something on the subject to help you as this is a big subject and there is certainly a lot more to it than I have shared here.
Does it work? I believe that it does. The secret ingredient to make it so: Belief. Regardless of what method or path you take to change your thinking or life you must, at a minimum, be open to the idea that it could work. I also share the opinion and have personally experienced the reality that we believe, accept and change only when we are ready to do so. In my life and in hind sight I can recognize there were many things previously available to me that I simply was not ready to hear, see, acknowledge or accept. We all grow in our own directions and at our own pace. I have come to realize for me that is one of the things that makes this world so interesting.
I can truthfully say that if you do choose to give this an honest try I know the change in the way your life is moving can be dramatic. I knew a man who I am now convinced exemplified and perfected this visualization process. At the time, this was many years ago, he was said to be magnetic, charismatic, dynamic, crazy, lucky and even a genius. (The last one on the list he shamelessly enjoyed and promoted) I used to say he was the luckiest and most positive person I have ever known. As I look back on him now I truly believe what he was actually doing, unbeknownst even to himself, was visualizing his dreams and goals with total unwavering conviction and belief. No one could penetrate his certainty and confidence in whatever goal he chose. Although his life was shorter than it should have been, he lived every minute of it completely and for the most part joyously surrounded by many who simply wanted to be near the powerful energy.
Of course this sounds so easy but quieting the mind if you are stressed, worried, anxious or feeling less than confident about yourself can be quite a feat. This brings me to the tool I discovered which, although also not a new technique is something I have never previously explored and one I am currently finding useful to assist me with my visualizations. It is an article on self hypnosis and a technique called Best Me I found on wikihow.com. It is a short but well written “how to” on self hypnosis in conjunction with visualization and I am having some pretty good success with this! Perhaps you will too….
http://www.wikihow.com/Hypnotize-Yourself-Using-the-Best-Me-Technique
It is also a fabulous aid for relaxing, relieving stress and insomnia!! Good stuff. Check it out.
“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens….”
Carl Jung
v I hope you found this article useful and if you enjoyed it please don’t forget to bookmark it on delicious or email it to a friend. Your support is appreciated!
Outside resource:
§ Book: Creative Visualization, Shakti Gawain
§ Book: Mind-Power, William Walker Atkinson
Deborah Hayes, CTA Life Coach
Empowering women to live a life of consequence, a life without regrets that is your own unique version of the life you love. About Deborah
480-656-2026
deborah@womenintransitiononline.com