Will The Real YOU Please Stand Up?
If I asked who you are how would you answer?
Would you say; I am a stay at home mother, I am a real estate agent, I am a banker, I am a doctor, I am a massage therapist, wife, retired or “whatever”? Is that who you really are or is it the role you are currently playing. How many roles have you played in your life and how many more do you think you might play?
Have you noticed that this is the customary question at gatherings? I am guilty of it myself. We have become accustomed to asking or identifying what we do when we meet someone new. We may think of it as a means of finding common interest to talk about but in reality it’s a label, it’s the tag line attached to our name. Once we have heard the label doesn’t it predetermined how we feel about this person to some degree? Don’t we automatically have some pre conceptions about the person based on their label such as; educated, white collar, blue collar, interesting, dull, successful or average before we even get to know the person? And if we have these pre conceptions about others based on their “label” do we feel the same way about our own labels? Does this constant statement repeated over and over again make us act and feel differently than who we really are?
The truth is society has trained us to focus on the surface of our lives and to place our value and identity on what we do, how we look and what we have. All of these things can and will change and although they are parts of our lives they are not WHO WE ARE. If we base our identity on these things alone, when they change or disappear we are lost, frightened and empty. We have all heard the extreme but familiar stories that exemplify this. Suicides over financial losses, depressions and self destructive behavior when important relationships end are just a few of the results of looking outside you for love and approval. Truly knowing, understanding and loving yourself for who you are on the inside is the key to attracting positive circumstances, relationships and inner peace to your life and it will anchor you through rough waters when they occur. To truly know yourself you need to spend quality undistracted time with yourself.
In reality I think we all know that we are not spending time on ourselves and that we try to accomplish more than is possible and leave ourselves for later. The logical solution would be to take a look at our schedules and lives and discover where we need to adjust our expenditures of effort and time, to eliminate the unnecessary obligations we take on, learn to say “NO” and presto we create a more balanced life for ourselves! It sounds simple. The problem is, although helpful and enlightening, this tactic doesn’t address the WHY of how we got our priorities so out of balance.
Guilt. Why do we feel guilty when we attempt to make time for us?
Is it possible you are over-identifying with your role? This subject is very near and dear to my heart. When I left the real estate business after 15 years I found myself in quite an unexpected quandary. I had thought I was excited to leave the business and was looking forward to trying something new but instead I found I was filled with uncomfortable feelings that I just couldn’t identify or understand. While reading one of my favorite books, The Toa of Inner Peace, I took an assessment and a very bright light bulb went off. Here is what I’m willing to confess to about the results I found about myself:
1. MY JOB
As an on-sight real estate sales person I always chose to work without a partner. This required me to usually work 6 days a week and to be on call on the 7th day. As if that was not enough, I felt it important to make it clear I would be available for before and after office hour appointments. If I had an outstanding week I was ecstatic and when I hit a slump I was devastated. On the rare occasion when I was forced to take time off I checked in with my assistant twice a day and made it clear I was on call if necessary. Oh, and the best identifier, when I did take time off I absolutely had no clue what to do with myself. Leave town? That was out of the question.
2. MY FAMILY
Well you can imagine the guilt I felt for not having enough time for my family! Any spare time I had was allotted to my daughter and mom. I mean there was always that 7th day and usually I did not have to work after hours. If I was asked to go out to dinner or a function with friends I always made sure there was nothing on the “family agenda”.
3. PARTNER
Partners, what’s that? You mean like mate, husband or date? I would make time for that after the first phase was sold out, my daughter’s wedding, the birth of my BEAUTIFUL granddaughter, etc. you get the idea, absolutely no time for that.
4. MY BODY
Perhaps this little short story will suffice:
Twenty years ago I had a family portrait done of my daughter, my mom, myself, my now deceased beloved little yorkie, Miss Corey and my handsome cat, Siggy. Needed or not, a serious amount of air brushing occurred and we all looked great! I took that picture down years ago and my mom snatched it for her house. She thought it was such a pretty picture of us all and she couldn’t understand why I wanted to take it down. Recently my mom had some surgery and during one of the nurse’s visits to her house she saw the portrait and asked, “Who are those people in that photograph? One of them looks like Barbara Mandrel.” Hey, that would be me and, yes, I was standing right there.
When she left I turned to my mom and said, “And that’s why I choose not to hang that picture in my house.”
These statements are all examples of someone who is over-identifying with the roles in their life. How many can you identify with? These parts of our lives are to be experienced, cherished and enjoyed but you are so much more than your job, family, partner or the body you walk around in.
We have the benefit of knowing now what we didn’t know then. By now and certainly in these times we know that:
1. Companies we’ve given so much of ourselves to can go bankrupt. When financial times change companies will downsize without second thought to your personal well being.
2. Children grow up and often times move away to live their lives and your role will naturally decrease.
3. Relationships change, people divorce and deaths occur and if you do not maintain a strong sense of self these changes can leave you feeling devastated, lost and alone.
4. Struggling to hang on to your youth is a depressing and unrealistic endeavor. A strong sense of self will allow you to move through life’s natural cycles with style and grace and true beauty.
When we attach our identity to these labels aren’t we in reality comparing our status in life to someone else’s as a measure of whether or not we are enough?
Ohm, do you think my ears are too big?
STOP COMPARING, STOP COMPARING, AND STOP COMPARING. There is a unique and beautiful individual inside you. Take the time to find her. She knows you and loves you just the way you are and for who you are. She doesn’t care what anyone else is doing or thinks and she is always with you. She will never make you feel guilty or inadequate. She is always waiting and regardless of how long it’s been she is glad to see you. Her love and support are unconditional. Don’t ignore her… embrace her, SPEND TIME WITH HER and find out who she really is.
Here is the typical response to this, (I said it too!); I’ll try but I just don’t have time to spend on myself right now, as soon as I (you fill in the blank), then I will spend more time on me. Translation: No, I am not going to do it, I’ll read about it but I don’t have time right now and I’m not going to do it.
Is that really true or are you avoiding digging out the real you and realizing just how special and wonderful she is? Does that thought frighten you to some degree and do you feel safer in the status quo? If you are ready to stop going through the motions of life and craft the life you truly love you are going to have to make the effort, be willing to break out of the mold and do things differently.
With that said, here are two out of the box fun exercises to help you discover and reconnect with the real you.
Exercise One:
The next time you are out or at a gathering and you meet someone new when the inevitable question of what you do comes up try answering with; most recently I am exploring or involved with cooking, the art of tango dancing, photography, animal rescue or whatever is your passion or interest. Try your best to not mention your “label”. This label thing is so ingrained in us this might be harder than you think!
Exercise Two:
Borrow, buy or go to a thrift store and acquire an outfit you love but a style you wouldn’t normally wear. Make it something you like and feel good in. If you normally wear pants find a dress you feel good in. If your style is always tailored, try to find something utterly feminine. Be brave and honest about this and genuinely experiment with your selection. Now take your new persona out in public.
After each of these exercises take out your journal or a notebook and answer these questions:
1) Did you feel that people responded to you differently and if so how?
2) Did you feel you acted differently than you normally would and if so how?
3) What did you like or dislike about yourself during these exercises?
4) Last but not least, what did you learn about yourself and the people you encountered during these exercises?
Sound silly? Here are the abbreviated results of a longer experiment:
My first husband was a “real cowboy”. He was part of a family cattle trucking and stock producing business and the rodeo was a way of life for them. I was immersed in the lifestyle and loved it. When we divorced, (it was friendly), I married a man who was the exact opposite and so was the lifestyle. When that marriage ended and I returned to Texas with our young daughter I bought a couple of horses. My daughter and I spent wonderful days riding and participating in rodeos together. During that time in my life I owned two cars, a Porsche and a Jeep Grand Wagoneer to haul my horse trailer. I distinctly remember how differently I was viewed and treated when driving the different vehicles. Back then I thought it was funny. When I moved us to Scottsdale, Arizona I opened an upscale women’s clothing boutique. When I would speak of my cowgirl days with those I was close with they would always say in puzzlement “I just can’t picture you as a cowgirl”. As the years went by, neither could I!
So try the exercises and perhaps it will jog some memories of your own. You are not just a cow girl, boutique owner, realtor or whatever you’ve been in your life, you are so much more.
v Do you think you’re over identifying with your label? Share your thoughts, stories and
comments with us!
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Outside resources:
§ Book: The Tao of Inner Peace
Comments
Leave a Reply
Deborah Hayes, CTA Life Coach
Empowering women to live a life of consequence, a life without regrets that is your own unique version of the life you love. About Deborah
480-656-2026
deborah@womenintransitiononline.com
Join me on Facebook
