When Mother Gets Sick…
Part 2
Wow! What an overwhelming response. Remember when I said if you ask most people to comment on this subject they are brief and somewhat dismissive? Well… try asking someone to write about it! I received a number of responses in my email. All said that once they got started writing they had more to say than they thought. Additionally a number commented that it felt good to put their thoughts into words. (Hmmm, note to those of you who are resistant to journaling!!)
Thank you to all of you who were kind enough to share your personal and heartwarming stories. Now I would like to share a couple of them with you:
The first of two…
Five years ago I turned my father’s care over to a nursing facility. It was overwhelmingly emotional for me to take my dad to a nursing home and leave him in the care of people I didn’t know.
I tried to be the good daughter and to do the responsible thing…I wanted to avoid the decision that would be best for both of us. So, I cleaned his home, made sure he ate three squares a day and gave him his medications at the times prescribed. This kept me running between my home and his four times a day! Then the phone calls increased not only from him, but also from neighbors who were concerned for his welfare. He was taking walks and getting lost, he could no longer recognize his home and was having falls…it was becoming more and more obvious Dad was going to need more help than I could provide.
The role of father and daughter seemed to change almost over-night. Of course, I wanted to be there for Dad; after all…he was there for me as a child so I made it my loving obligation to care for Dad. Being a wife, mother and working in the medical field for over 20 years made me feel more like it was my responsibility to be “his” caregiver. It is my belief that women are naturals at nurturing and they put it upon their own shoulders to give of themselves to the point of exhaustion before they realize they are not being fair to themselves or to those who they are caring for…until someone finally tells them they have burnt the candle from both ends.
Dad knew he was physically and mentally declining. He was scared and verbalized that to me; he didn’t know what was happening to him. All I could do was reassure him that I would be there for him. He was afraid of being dumped off at a nursing home and forgotten; he had seen that happen to some of his friends. The emotional insecurity he was feeling was like that of a child afraid of going off to boarding school. No matter what our age we are all children and need a hand to hold!
Now five years later, the nursing home staff is his family, too. When I see their caring touch and how they respond to him; I know he is really comfortable in his home. Dad isn’t so much in our world anymore…he has cocooned into his own world. It’s no longer a world of recognizing me as the little girl who sat on his knee, or remembering family holidays and being able to give me advice when I needed it. Now it is an unspoken world of blank stares and babbling uncomprehending words. Yes, I am still the little girl on his knee and I remember the family holidays. Now, I use the advice that he taught me to take care of his finances.
Oh, I am also there to care for his emotional needs, as I steal a kiss from him before I leave him after my visits…sometimes he responds in kind and I see a twinkle in his eyes!
About the author: Christine Sherriff is a Massage Therapist who works primarily with a powerful technique called Healing Touch. Healing Touch is the physical transfer of human life energy which redirects the body’s energy fields. As a result it restores harmony and helps to promote emotional and physical wellbeing within the body. Christine is a great advocate in promoting how important the power of touch is for our aging population; since it creates a greater sense of emotional security. Remember to hug someone every day! (4/26/09)
When Mother Gets Sick…
Part I
Of the people I know it’s about a 50-50 split as to whether or not one’s parents are still with us. If you are at midlife they are most certainly entering that period where you realize they will need your help to some degree or another. Those who have gone through this part of their life are somewhat dismissive about it whether it is because they have come to terms with what they did about it and moved forward or they simply do not want to recall all the gory details again. Both understandable but for those who are now or close to moving through this period the lack of advice, information and support can be daunting and the guilt surrounding this event is most uncomfortable. It forces us to come to terms with our relationships with our parents and the question of what is the right thing to do and how to handle the frightened demands made on us.
As with any change it is often easier to stay within the known until we are forced to the unknown. As we see a commercial or receive literature in the mail with regards to anything even remotely close to this subject it is easier to say “I’ll deal with it when it comes, everything is fine right now and I have time.” With the number of baby boomers aging this is a very big issue. Yes it’s personal, private and riddled with conflicting feelings. It is also a time when we feel we will be judged on our performance and decisions by our family, friends and even ourselves. Yikes, no wonder we choose not to think or speak about it! For some of us there is the support of a large family and for others the decision falls on a single shoulder. This can be good because there is less wrangling and personality conflicts but also bad for the lack of support or input from someone who cares as much as you do.
Due to this avoidance, this time in our life can feel as though it comes suddenly and without warning. Or maybe it arrives like unexpected rain at a well planned outdoor wedding. Either way, when it comes I think most of us feel overwhelmed and a strong need to commiserate with someone hoping to find justification or help with our decision. And let’s face it, unless you are a caregiver or involved in this industry this is not the most pleasant of subjects and not easily broached among friends or family. We don’t chat about this much. It is an awkward subject and sits dangerously close to private feelings we may wish to avoid exploring.
WHEN MOTHER GETS SICK
You may or may not have noticed but I have not written a post in about a month. Although my mother is recovering nicely and will still be able to live alone, the knee replacement she just received has been a vivid preview of what could be. For me, my world came to a screeching halt.
My mom is my surviving parent, no surprise there, the percentage of women who survive their mate is high. The fact is we as women are likely to live out our last years alone. I have chosen to tell myself, she is lucky and very healthy for her age. She still drives, does her own yard and if you’re ready to close your eyes and tape your mouth shut she can whip your garage into an enviable site for the most efficient organizer. (You no longer have to wonder about what’s in those boxes at the back) Aside from some expected arthritis and brief health issues she is in excellent health for an 83 year old women.
At times when my mother has broached this subject I have chosen to make light of the issue intimating for her not to worry that I will take care of her and I was sincere about this. (Avoidance) Now I find myself asking “but how will I care for her and how much care will she need? Can she or I afford it and will her insurance cover it when the time comes? Will I move her in with me and at what point. Would she be happy in senior care environment or would she feel abandoned?” (Reality) All this is easy to say until it’s in your face. But what this also brings closer to the surface is the fact that in a few number of years, less for some of us, we could be the ones who need. We all say and think, my mom included, that we do not want to be a burden to our children. But when the time comes and we feel the fear of not being able to fend for ourselves as we once had, when we feel vulnerable and have been ripped from the comfort of a predictable lifestyle that doesn’t demand any changes, how will we really feel?
So what is the answer? Plan and hope circumstances don’t disrupt your plan, definitely a good idea. Should we have a plan B and C? That wouldn’t hurt either. Needless to say, although I thought I had considered this event, I really had not. Given what I know now, I have taken and will continue to take the time to truly consider the pros and cons of a number of options. When my mom feels better and more in control we will discuss how we both feel. I know this, if the outcome of this health issue had been different, I was completely unprepared and in this brief month I have felt completely overwhelmed. Our lives, goals and circumstances are always changing. Decisions about the care of a loved one will always be difficult but to have the knowledge of possible options will relieve a great deal of stress for anyone in this circumstance. Over this past week I have taken the time to do a little research and have discovered, much to my surprise, this scary subject is really not as scary as I thought it would be. There are some very interesting and uplifting lifestyle options available and more on the horizon.
Knowledge is power; it builds confidence and eases fear.
In next week’s article I will share what I have found on this subject but I am hoping to hear from anyone who can contribute to this subject.
v If you have insights, sources, stories or comments to share on this subject please comment below or email me at deborah@womenintransitiononline.com. I would especially like to hear of any creative solutions that have worked well for anyone!
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Deborah Hayes, CTA Life Coach
Empowering women to live a life of consequence, a life without regrets that is your own unique version of the life you love. About Deborah
480-656-2026
deborah@womenintransitiononline.com