If I knew then what I know now…
We have all heard this line a thousand times. My mother meted out this wisdom on any occasion when wise counsel or gentle consoling was needed. It was dispensed with love and affection and was the moral of the story she told of a similar survived event in her life. It was intended to assure me that whatever perceived devastating event I was experiencing I would certainly recover, hopefully learn from and move on to a brighter day. She was right. Yes, of course she was right. Does any of this sound familiar? Can you feel yourself sobbing, sitting on your mom’s lap pouring out your tale of woe and feeling safe while wrapped in her arms with your head on her strong wise shoulder.
Fast forward. Now I am 57. Like a lot of us from this generation, when the glass ceiling was decidedly lower than today and more akin to a brick wall, the bulk of our education came from living and doing. Sometimes doing because we wanted to, (lessons) and sometimes because we had to, (more lessons). For us this education came from the things they do not and cannot teach you in school, whether you attended or not. This is knowledge gained from being adventurous, foolish, sensible; getting married, divorced, perhaps married again; raising beautiful children to adulthood through good times and bad times, sometimes alone, sometimes not alone; experiencing joy, love, hate, despair, rejection, acceptance; sometimes feeling important and sometimes feeling foolish and often times feeling overwhelmed. Working for need, want and sometimes for passion; succeeding, failing, succeeding again, maneuvering through hardship, heartbreak and untold number of circumstances, overcoming, sometimes just surviving and many times, in fact most times thriving. Now this is Wisdom.
And now we are here. Women of “a certain age” armed with a collection of more or less half a lifetime of experiences, failures, successes, wisdom and the knowledge that this is it. We have earned the right to say the line and know exactly what it means. IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW… We know what we didn’t know THEN and the time is NOW. Exciting, exhilarating and a little frightening to be blessed at this time of unparalleled opportunity for women to craft a life we love. Now we are empowered with our wisdom and ready to discover and grasp exactly what we want for the second half of the rest of our lives.
We know what we do not want, right? We certainly have learned that. With so much time spent sacrificing, nurturing and caring for the needs and wants of everyone else the question is;
WHAT DO WE WANT?
How do we go about getting it? What do we take with us on this journey? What do we leave behind? Are there pieces of ourselves back there that we put away for “later” that we want back with us? Are there things that we put away so long ago that we don’t remember and we need them?
For me the journey began by taking time to seriously reflect on who I really was. Armed with an impressive library of inspirational and educational books inherited and collected over the years I at last started with a theme that was central to all of them. I turned off the noise and cast away the many roles I had played and began the process of answering my first question:
DO I LOVE MYSELF?
I remember feeling a little uncomfortable even asking the question and unsure how to begin to answer. I took a number of self esteem assessments from a number of sources which helped me to begin to focus. The following is a sampling of some questions that will help to shed light on the subject:
How many of these can you identify with?
- A friend at a party only briefly chats with me and appears to be in a bad mood. Did I do something to offend her? Is she upset with me?
- I obsess and worry about attending an upcoming party because I know a certain person who is younger, always looks fabulous and is the bell of the ball will be there.
- My co-worker receives high verbal praise in our weekly meeting and it makes me feel incompetent and that it must mean I haven’t been doing a good job.
- Something that I don’t understand is brought up in a class I am taking and I don’t ask for clarification for fear of looking stupid.
- I’m afraid to ask for a raise even though I feel I deserve one.
- I don’t apply for a job I am interested in because I assume they will think I’m not qualified.
- When I walk into a gathering and people look at me I feel there is something wrong and it makes me uncomfortable.
- My food is not prepared properly at a restaurant but I don’t mention it so as not to be a bother.
- Someone compliments me and I feel the need to counter it with a self depreciating comment about myself.
If you identify with some of these statements you might be feeling you are not good enough. As surprising at you might believe, some of the people you view as the most self assured are the ones who might relate more than you think to these questions. We are all very good at wearing masks to get us through what we need. What would our lives be like if we could find our true selves and never feel the need to be anything or anyone other than who we really are; if we knew we were more than enough?
Here are 5 steps to help you discover who you are and what you want:
Commit. Remember you have spent many years changing and adapting your personality to accommodate the circumstances you encountered. Most of the roles you played were based on the expectations of others; families, companies and bosses. You need to be prepared to slow down and spend some quality time with yourself. Start by writing down how you feel about your life right now and how you would like to change it and why.
Be Quiet. There is so much noise in our lives! The drone of the TV, constant background music at home, in the car, malls, grocery stores and even in our places of work. Set aside as much time as possible during each day when nothing is on. You will be pleasantly surprised at the the sound of silence; birds at a distance, the sound of a breeze through an open window, the unique rhythmic sounds your house makes and most importantly your own thoughts. This simple act can take you off auto pilot and help you to be more aware of what you think and feel.
Take time for reflection or meditation. Set aside 10-15 minutes every day to stop all thought and meditate. Periods of shutting off the constant flow of thoughts running through our minds every moment we are awake can reduce stress and is a powerful tool for self knowledge. It takes a bit of practice but it is well worth the effort.
Alter your daily patterns. Ever notice how you arrive at work or a daily destination and you don’t remember the drive? Start varying your driving route and alter some of your daily routines at home as well. This step helps to take you off auto pilot and begins to prepare your mind for new ways of thinking and doing and starts the habit of being more alert and present in the moment.
Journal.I wish I could tell you that I journal every day. I don’t. But I am working on it! I can tell you I have always written down my thoughts during difficult times or when I was confused about an important decision. When I go back and read these writings I am always shocked at the revelations I find about myself. Whether you do it daily or weekly journaling will dramatically accelerate your self discovery process.
Your five simple steps: be committed, be quiet, be still, be alert and be aware. Try integrating these steps into your life to help you slow down and make your self discovery process easier.
Outside resources
- Book : The Tao of Inner Peace
- Book: Awakening at Midlife
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Deborah Hayes, CTA Life Coach
Empowering women to live a life of consequence, a life without regrets that is your own unique version of the life you love. About Deborah
deborah@womenintransitiononline.com
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