About Your Emotional Bank Account
What did you do for yourself this past week?
Most of us live under constant tension and don’t even notice it. We have done it so long it has become normal to us. We don’t realize how we spend our time and are usually shocked to see how little time we allow for ourselves. The message in society is work harder, more hours and we will be successful. Good successful women do it all. We are the last thing we take care of. Most of you will say that you take two days off every week, but by the time you catch up on neglected chores on one of those days and squeeze one fun activity in for the other day it is time to jump right back onto the treadmill. Funny thing is, the more we overextend and neglect ourselves, the less effective and creative we are at what we are trying to do. The less effective we are, the less important we feel. The less important we feel, the more we begin to doubt and dislike ourselves. It’s more of that cycle thing. We pack so many things into our days and lives that Wonder Woman couldn’t accomplish them. At the end of most days we feel like we have been chased by a pack of wolves and just barely escaped being eaten. Sadly, we feel rewarded for the herculean effort but secretly ineffective for not doing better.
Denying ourselves of spiritual, emotional and physical replenishment is not a badge of honor.
We are so busy trying to take care of all the things we have taken on; we have neglected the most important thing, OUR NEEDS. Then we wonder why we feel empty or that something is missing. Often times we don’t even know what we want and if we do we are afraid to try it for fear we will fail.
When we over-commit we deprive ourselves of the time, energy and desire to even think about what we really want and need.
The subject of BALANCE is of great importance and a key ingredient to discovering and loving yourself. I would say all, with a very few exceptions, of the women I see battle the Wonder Woman syndrome. In most cases we spend large amounts of time doing things because we should do them and not because we choose to. I am not talking about the process of time management to enable us to do more in less time. I am talking about the absolute need to value ourselves and to have limits. We need to be sure to schedule time for the things that are important to us but time spent with and for ourselves needs and deserves a high priority in that balance.
Here is a fun and enlightening exercise that highlights how we are actually allotting our time to the things we care about. I call it:
PENNIES FOR YOUR TIME
This exercise will highlight what your current priorities are for the things you most care about and will show you which areas in your life are in need of attention.
YOUR EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT
1. Make a list of the things you care the most about in your life. I have provided an example below but feel free to eliminate or rename any of these categories as they apply to you and your life. Keep it to no more than eight categories and DON’T ELIMINATE THE “TIME SPENT WITH AND FOR SELF” category.
1. Work – Include housework and job in this category.
2. Family – Include children, grandchildren and parents in this category. Phone calls and cards/letters count if they do not live in your city.
3. Friends - Girlfriends and anyone you consider a friend that is not your mate.
4. Passions – hobbies, sports, golf, bridge whatever you consider a genuine interest.
5. Physical well being – Exercise, stretching, gym, jogging, dieting or anything related to maintaining your personal health.
6. Time spent with and for Self – Meditation, journaling, relaxing alone with music/book, gardening, soaking in a tub and anything you do alone with and for yourself.
7. Community – Volunteering or kind gestures we spoke of earlier for friends or strangers.
8. Partner – Things you do for and with your partner including cooking, cleaning, shopping, caring for and dating.
2. Now take Eight cups and label them with the categories you have thought about and chosen. Place these cups on a table or dresser where you can see them daily and in order of their importance to you. Leave them there for two weeks to a month. (I recommend a month)
3. Get a few of rolls of pennies,( or your piggy bank) and cut up some small squares of paper to be used for IOU’s and place them next to the cups on your designated space.
4. Each night before you retire place one penny in each of the cups that you spent time on that day. If you intended or wanted to spend time on one of the categories and didn’t, place an IOU paper in that cup.
5. At the end of the month, or the amount of time you allotted to this exercise, take out the pennies and stack them in front of each cup. If you have IOU’s in any of the cups remove one penny for each of the IOU’s from that cup. If there are NO pennies in the cup, (Yikes) stack the IOU’s in front of that cup.
Now you should be able to clearly see which categories are in need of your attention. The stacks of pennies should be reasonably even. If any of the categories are out of balance take out a sheet of paper and make a list of duties you have in that category. Define ways to reduce the time you spend in that category by deciding:
1. Which duties are an overextension, not essential or not a priority in your life and can be eliminated. Remember, when you are continually over committed you are more likely to become sick, grouchy, mentally and physically exhausted and depressed.
2. Which duties do you need and want in your life but can be delegated. This will free you up to be more effective at what you do, allow more time for the things you love to do and leaves room for growth and discovery of new things you may want to do!
3. Here is a concept, try under committing your time to allow for the unexpected emergencies that continually pop up.
4. Learn to say NO. Before you commit to another activity stop and take the time to weigh the decision. Spend 10 – 15 minutes or even a day to consider if it is a long or short term commitment, how important it is to you, what you are going to have to sacrifice in order to do it and what it will do to your level of stress. You can’t add hours to your day no matter what you do. Remember, you can’t be fully present and enjoy any activity if you’re feeling you should be somewhere else while you’re doing it.
5. Now for the cups that need more attention. Make a list of daily/weekly activities, even if they are small, that you will do to better balance your account to your satisfaction.
Our lives and goals are always changing and balance is an ongoing effort. You should repeat this exercise periodically when you notice you are feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.
v What do you do to replenish your emotional bank account? Share your thoughts and stories in the comment section below!! We’d love to hear…..
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Outside resources:
§ Book: Abraham Speaks, A New Beginning II
§ Book: Awakening at Midlife
Finding Your Self Esteem…
What you believe about yourself is what you are. What you believe about yourself is what others believe you are. What you believe about yourself affects everything you do and everyone you touch. How you really feel about yourself is the key to your happiness and success.
Last week I offered some brief assessment questions that highlight the feelings of someone with low self esteem. We have all taken dozens of these little assessments sitting in waiting rooms perusing through a magazine to kill some time. We check off one or two of the statements and conclude “Hmmm… two out of ten, that’s not bad, I am in as good a shape as most” and our name is called and we’re off to continue to run through our daily schedule of too many things to do. If we are attempting to make ourselves the subject of honest and intense observation of what we privately and beneath the surface think of ourselves we need to go beyond the simple little assessment questions. We need to get back in touch with ourselves and remember how to hear our thoughts and feel our feelings.
The idea of this journey is not to be better or more perfect. Whose yardstick would we use anyway? The idea is to discover and acknowledge who we are, what we think, like and don’t like, what we used to like but don’t anymore, what we would like to do again and what we don’t, what we wanted to further explore and didn’t get a chance to do and to ultimately discover that who we are is not something to hide or show in parts or to be used later when we don’t need to conform.
Or maybe that is the problem… the yardstick. I used to have a relationship years ago and we would often have long discussions on one subject or another. On the occasions when it would become clear that we were not going to agree he would say “you are really opinionated.” I would say “why is it that when you have a strong opinion it is your opinion and when I have a strong opinion I’m opinionated?” and we would laugh and know it was time to move on to another subject. As I moved through my introspection I began to wonder when it was that I let go of the assertion that my opinion was valuable and began to succumb to “the yardstick”. When did I begin to look outside myself for approval? As we were moving through our lives we were and are defined by our titles and jobs, the size and location of where we live and the kind of car we drive. We are bombarded with a never ending images and stereotypes of what we’re supposed to look like, eat, drink, and where we should go if we’re “cool.” It never stops. But when in all of this did we let go of ourselves and the ability to acknowledge that what is right for someone else is OK but what is right for us, our opinion and beliefs, is just as Ok even if it is different? You know… that every snowflake is different and beautiful but all of it is snow. When did we begin to become uneasy about revealing what was in our hearts and what we felt passionate about at the time and began to operate from guilt and obligation? When did we give the power of who we are to others?
The more we base our decisions on pleasing others, the further away we fall from the habit of listening and accepting ourselves for who we are. The longer we have done this the less likely we are to trust ourselves and feelings. The more we distrust our feelings, the more we look outside ourselves for validation and assurance. The more we look outside ourselves for assurance the less competent we feel and the less and less we like ourselves. A vicious cycle ensues. How do you stop it or change it after so many years of role playing, comparing and measuring?
The good news is we can choose to be self confident, happy, successful and full of joy. Every day you wake up you start over. Yesterday is behind you, it’s done. You can’t do it over. In fact, to take this further, every minute or second or hour is new and every second you can choose to think and act in a healthier more positive manner. Sounds so simple doesn’t it? But it is true. Every second of your waking hours your mind is thinking something.
If you battle to stay what you are not, you will lose who you are…your strength and your power. You are unique, there is no one like you and each of us has very special gifts and talents.
If you take the time and effort to stop comparing and only pleasing others and begin to please yourself, to listen to yourself, to spend time with and value yourself you will find your center and the self confidence that has been lurking beneath the surface all along. This is self acceptance and it brings peace and joy to the life. When you love yourself you are lovable.
So now it is time for the fun part, that getting to know this person. Enter your name and primary email on the right and get helpful tools to assist you in “Preparing for the Journey to Self.” It’s FREE and, by the way, your information will never be shared with anyone, ever. I promise.
v Do you have a yardstick story from the past or present? Share your thoughts and comments on the need to compare and please others in the comments section. We’d love to hear!
v By the way, to receive your free Life Journey Tools, simply click the “register for a site account” button on the right, enter your name and email and you will have access to all downloads! (I value your privacy as I do my own, your information will never be shared.)
Outside resources
- Book: Abraham Speaks, A New Beginning II
- Book: The Toa of Inner Peace
If I knew then what I know now…
We have all heard this line a thousand times. My mother meted out this wisdom on any occasion when wise counsel or gentle consoling was needed. It was dispensed with love and affection and was the moral of the story she told of a similar survived event in her life. It was intended to assure me that whatever perceived devastating event I was experiencing I would certainly recover, hopefully learn from and move on to a brighter day. She was right. Yes, of course she was right. Does any of this sound familiar? Can you feel yourself sobbing, sitting on your mom’s lap pouring out your tale of woe and feeling safe while wrapped in her arms with your head on her strong wise shoulder.
Fast forward. Now I am 57. Like a lot of us from this generation, when the glass ceiling was decidedly lower than today and more akin to a brick wall, the bulk of our education came from living and doing. Sometimes doing because we wanted to, (lessons) and sometimes because we had to, (more lessons). For us this education came from the things they do not and cannot teach you in school, whether you attended or not. This is knowledge gained from being adventurous, foolish, sensible; getting married, divorced, perhaps married again; raising beautiful children to adulthood through good times and bad times, sometimes alone, sometimes not alone; experiencing joy, love, hate, despair, rejection, acceptance; sometimes feeling important and sometimes feeling foolish and often times feeling overwhelmed. Working for need, want and sometimes for passion; succeeding, failing, succeeding again, maneuvering through hardship, heartbreak and untold number of circumstances, overcoming, sometimes just surviving and many times, in fact most times thriving. Now this is Wisdom.
And now we are here. Women of “a certain age” armed with a collection of more or less half a lifetime of experiences, failures, successes, wisdom and the knowledge that this is it. We have earned the right to say the line and know exactly what it means. IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW… We know what we didn’t know THEN and the time is NOW. Exciting, exhilarating and a little frightening to be blessed at this time of unparalleled opportunity for women to craft a life we love. Now we are empowered with our wisdom and ready to discover and grasp exactly what we want for the second half of the rest of our lives.
We know what we do not want, right? We certainly have learned that. With so much time spent sacrificing, nurturing and caring for the needs and wants of everyone else the question is;
WHAT DO WE WANT?
How do we go about getting it? What do we take with us on this journey? What do we leave behind? Are there pieces of ourselves back there that we put away for “later” that we want back with us? Are there things that we put away so long ago that we don’t remember and we need them?
For me the journey began by taking time to seriously reflect on who I really was. Armed with an impressive library of inspirational and educational books inherited and collected over the years I at last started with a theme that was central to all of them. I turned off the noise and cast away the many roles I had played and began the process of answering my first question:
DO I LOVE MYSELF?
I remember feeling a little uncomfortable even asking the question and unsure how to begin to answer. I took a number of self esteem assessments from a number of sources which helped me to begin to focus. The following is a sampling of some questions that will help to shed light on the subject:
How many of these can you identify with?
- A friend at a party only briefly chats with me and appears to be in a bad mood. Did I do something to offend her? Is she upset with me?
- I obsess and worry about attending an upcoming party because I know a certain person who is younger, always looks fabulous and is the bell of the ball will be there.
- My co-worker receives high verbal praise in our weekly meeting and it makes me feel incompetent and that it must mean I haven’t been doing a good job.
- Something that I don’t understand is brought up in a class I am taking and I don’t ask for clarification for fear of looking stupid.
- I’m afraid to ask for a raise even though I feel I deserve one.
- I don’t apply for a job I am interested in because I assume they will think I’m not qualified.
- When I walk into a gathering and people look at me I feel there is something wrong and it makes me uncomfortable.
- My food is not prepared properly at a restaurant but I don’t mention it so as not to be a bother.
- Someone compliments me and I feel the need to counter it with a self depreciating comment about myself.
If you identify with some of these statements you might be feeling you are not good enough. As surprising at you might believe, some of the people you view as the most self assured are the ones who might relate more than you think to these questions. We are all very good at wearing masks to get us through what we need. What would our lives be like if we could find our true selves and never feel the need to be anything or anyone other than who we really are; if we knew we were more than enough?
Here are 5 steps to help you discover who you are and what you want:
Commit. Remember you have spent many years changing and adapting your personality to accommodate the circumstances you encountered. Most of the roles you played were based on the expectations of others; families, companies and bosses. You need to be prepared to slow down and spend some quality time with yourself. Start by writing down how you feel about your life right now and how you would like to change it and why.
Be Quiet. There is so much noise in our lives! The drone of the TV, constant background music at home, in the car, malls, grocery stores and even in our places of work. Set aside as much time as possible during each day when nothing is on. You will be pleasantly surprised at the the sound of silence; birds at a distance, the sound of a breeze through an open window, the unique rhythmic sounds your house makes and most importantly your own thoughts. This simple act can take you off auto pilot and help you to be more aware of what you think and feel.
Take time for reflection or meditation. Set aside 10-15 minutes every day to stop all thought and meditate. Periods of shutting off the constant flow of thoughts running through our minds every moment we are awake can reduce stress and is a powerful tool for self knowledge. It takes a bit of practice but it is well worth the effort.
Alter your daily patterns. Ever notice how you arrive at work or a daily destination and you don’t remember the drive? Start varying your driving route and alter some of your daily routines at home as well. This step helps to take you off auto pilot and begins to prepare your mind for new ways of thinking and doing and starts the habit of being more alert and present in the moment.
Journal.I wish I could tell you that I journal every day. I don’t. But I am working on it! I can tell you I have always written down my thoughts during difficult times or when I was confused about an important decision. When I go back and read these writings I am always shocked at the revelations I find about myself. Whether you do it daily or weekly journaling will dramatically accelerate your self discovery process.
Your five simple steps: be committed, be quiet, be still, be alert and be aware. Try integrating these steps into your life to help you slow down and make your self discovery process easier.
Outside resources
- Book : The Tao of Inner Peace
- Book: Awakening at Midlife
Deborah Hayes, CTA Life Coach
Empowering women to live a life of consequence, a life without regrets that is your own unique version of the life you love. About Deborah
480-656-2026
deborah@womenintransitiononline.com